Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Lonely dreams

I have been non-stop at my computer. I have wondered what in the world I am looking for, waiting for, staring at. I can't understand my need to see every Facebook post that comes up and each email that appears at my inbox. It's not like me and it's disturbing me a bit. I told a friend today that I felt like the 6 year old younger sibling that hates to go to bed before all the other kids because she's sure she is missing out on something fun.

I figured out, tonight, what my "issue" is. I am waiting for DTC. Dossier To China is one of the "biggies" in adoption lingo. It means our dossier (set of papers that the Chinese care about regarding our adopting one of their girls) is on it's way and will arrive soon. That leads to the organization that is in charge of all things "adoption", the CCCWA, to then send an email or something digital to our agency giving them the date it arrived in their hands. THAT, my friends, is called LID (the Lock In Date). THAT is huge because that gives the agency permission to then present us with who they think would be the princess that God has chosen for our family. Our Elli.

Now, I know that we are going to hear the terms DTC and LID sometime within the next 2 - 3 weeks and I am unsettled and fidgety. I don't want to be but I am and so I am just accepting it and trying to live with it. I have been stalking blogs of other adoptees looking at their timelines like the one you see to the right of this post. Each blog's timeline tells it own story of swiftness or hesitation, miraculous movement or sedentary stagnation, none of which is explainable both of which lead to the feet of Christ for those who trust Him, either with tears of thankfulness or tears of petition. One way or another, as I have said often enough to cause eye-rolls: God is gonna do what God is gonna do.

I found a blog I'd not seen before called Ladybugs and Elephants. All I wanted to do was to check out her timeline and compare it to mine just to get some kind of encouragement. Every seasoned adoptive mom will be shaking her head right now at the foolishness of doing such a thing but I am desperate for some kind of "sign".

What I didn't expect was to read her snippet about her young son running to her room for comfort from a bad dream. She then makes this realization about her little girl Nola who they are waiting to bring home from China:

What happens when she has a bad dream?
And the reality of it hit me.

Nothing.  Nothing happens when she has a bad dream.

There is no one to run to.  
She cannot even get out of her crib to find someone.
There is no one to comfort her.
No one to rub her back.
No one to stroke her hair.
No one to gently kiss her.
No one to softly whisper that she is safe.
No one to tell her she is loved.
No one to stay with her until she falls into a peaceful slumber.

I am suddenly reduced to tears and a feeling of desperation that I've not felt in a long, long time. You see, I am one of those moms who never, and I mean NEVER minded waking up to quiet a frantic baby. I was determined to enable my babies to enjoy what I believe should be the most peaceful and calm time of their day. My babies had very few nightmares and I think it was because I worked very hard to calm them before bed and pray for their calm sleep. I prayed specifically that their dreams would be filled with Jesus and His special messages to them. 

Of course as they have aged, they have had more nightmares. But as they have aged they've had less and less of a need for their mom or dad to comfort them. They've learned how to manage themselves. But Elli, who comforts her? I don't know. I have never had a child that I had no answers for or about. I have a daughter that I do not know anything about except that she was chosen for me, for us, from the beginning of time. I only know that her abandonment was no surprise to God and that He will personally guide Logan (our adoption counselor) to her when she finally gets that permission to present her to us. 

My only hope, my only prayer, is that God Himself comforts her when she has a bad dream. No child deserves to open her eyes in the middle of the night knowing full well there is no one to snatch her up and tuck her in close. No one to pull the cover over them both making her feel secure. No one to sing hymns of love and eternal life in the darkness. No one to whisper promises of always being there to help get her through her hard nights. 

Elli has lonely dreams right now. I am kept from doing anything but petitioning my heavenly Father for grace and compassion on her. But one morning I am going to open my eyes and there, tucked tightly next to me in bed will be a little girl who can barely speak English, having had a bad dream the night before, ran into the room of the woman who she knew could make it all go away. 

Unless, of course, she had wrapped herself around the body of her big sister in her bed. That would be just as OK with me! 

1 comment:

  1. Oh my I can so relate!! This week has been awful for distraction...I think the new shared list set me off. It's nearly 11 pm and I'm still on the computer fidgeting and looking for something...anything... nothing that is going to fill this longing at the moment. I really need to be in the Word instead of browsing FB groups and blogs! ..but i'm sure glad I came across yours. It is nice to know someone else is in this crazy making process too ;)