Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A family portrait of adoption...
There has been a lot on my heart and in my head over the last several months. I have been learning. Basically, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. I hate going into anything of importance blindly or at least I like to be able to talk my way through a situation. I like to at least appear to know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about.
This is far too important to just sit back and let happen. It's not an issue of trusting the Lord or not. Of course I leave it all in His hands, every night as I lay in bed thinking of her as I drift off into a sleepy fog and every morning as the kids and I pray for Elli. It's a matter of doing MY due diligence. The stuff that is required of ME!
But as I study and read and read and read some more I feel less excited and more nauseous. I'd be bothered by that if I for a minute thought those feelings were unreasonable. Honestly, though, I had those feelings each time I found out I was pregnant with child 2-5. After all, I had a good and totally comfortable thing going and by adding another child to the mix it was, in a way, upsetting the apple cart.
Of course, those feelings came and went because what was I supposed to do to change it? Absolutely nothing. It was gonna be the way it was gonna be and I soon stopped seeing the change as a disruption and more as an adventure.
This time is very different and although it's scary different in a way, it's also good different. There have been a lot of serious, prayer-provoking, decisions that have been made between the Gman and myself. There have been very thought-provoking discussions between the kids and myself. What I have seen has delighted my mother's heart. Everyone has realized there is a precious little girl out there who desperately needs and deserves a home and a family who loves her. They are more than willing to put aside their comfort and what they know to be stability in order to bring Elli home. We pray for her every day. We pray for her care takers. She already has a place in our hearts, we just need to place her in our home. What I am seeing is that my kids are learning that putting aside what they know as comfort and security is worth it when it comes to the comfort and security of another who's never, ever known it before.
I have a friend who is about 2 months behind us on this journey. We became friends through this experience and are equally as nervous, excited, and totally nuts. We laugh about how "crazy" we are to be doing this and convince each other that there is good crazy and bad crazy and we are totally good crazy. But crazy we are none-the-less.
I just sent the last bit of paperwork necessary to get our dossier out of the country and into the hands of Chinese officials who will determine when we will meet our little one via pictures and a file and ultimately when we will hold her for the first time. I have been called a control freak in the past but I really don't think I am one. However, I will admit I have a love-hate relationship with someone over on the other side of the world having such a huge impact on our lives. I hate it because it's in their hands, I love it because ultimately it's really in God's hands and I so adore watching Him do totally bizarre stuff. So now, I am gonna practice my total and complete trust in Him (after all you never improve if you don't get harder and harder stuff to practice on) and wait patiently for my official DTC date and LID date and eventually the file and picture of my princess.
No, I am not really excited. I am a lot of things, emotionally, but excited is not one of them. There are too many other feelings crowding out excitement. But I can tell you, when I see the picture of Elli, all those other emotions will fall by the wayside and yes, excitement and joy and love and awe will replace them all.
I am amazed at the families who do this more than once. I find it very difficult and possibly it's an age thing. I do believe that it must be done more often and I hope and pray that this adventure of ours will lead our own children to search their hearts as well when it comes time for them to begin their families. I hope and pray that Elli will be the beginning of a long line of adopted Farharts. That the beauty of our adoption through Christ will be forever pictured in the Farhart family for generations to come.