Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Lonely dreams

I have been non-stop at my computer. I have wondered what in the world I am looking for, waiting for, staring at. I can't understand my need to see every Facebook post that comes up and each email that appears at my inbox. It's not like me and it's disturbing me a bit. I told a friend today that I felt like the 6 year old younger sibling that hates to go to bed before all the other kids because she's sure she is missing out on something fun.

I figured out, tonight, what my "issue" is. I am waiting for DTC. Dossier To China is one of the "biggies" in adoption lingo. It means our dossier (set of papers that the Chinese care about regarding our adopting one of their girls) is on it's way and will arrive soon. That leads to the organization that is in charge of all things "adoption", the CCCWA, to then send an email or something digital to our agency giving them the date it arrived in their hands. THAT, my friends, is called LID (the Lock In Date). THAT is huge because that gives the agency permission to then present us with who they think would be the princess that God has chosen for our family. Our Elli.

Now, I know that we are going to hear the terms DTC and LID sometime within the next 2 - 3 weeks and I am unsettled and fidgety. I don't want to be but I am and so I am just accepting it and trying to live with it. I have been stalking blogs of other adoptees looking at their timelines like the one you see to the right of this post. Each blog's timeline tells it own story of swiftness or hesitation, miraculous movement or sedentary stagnation, none of which is explainable both of which lead to the feet of Christ for those who trust Him, either with tears of thankfulness or tears of petition. One way or another, as I have said often enough to cause eye-rolls: God is gonna do what God is gonna do.

I found a blog I'd not seen before called Ladybugs and Elephants. All I wanted to do was to check out her timeline and compare it to mine just to get some kind of encouragement. Every seasoned adoptive mom will be shaking her head right now at the foolishness of doing such a thing but I am desperate for some kind of "sign".

What I didn't expect was to read her snippet about her young son running to her room for comfort from a bad dream. She then makes this realization about her little girl Nola who they are waiting to bring home from China:

What happens when she has a bad dream?
And the reality of it hit me.

Nothing.  Nothing happens when she has a bad dream.

There is no one to run to.  
She cannot even get out of her crib to find someone.
There is no one to comfort her.
No one to rub her back.
No one to stroke her hair.
No one to gently kiss her.
No one to softly whisper that she is safe.
No one to tell her she is loved.
No one to stay with her until she falls into a peaceful slumber.

I am suddenly reduced to tears and a feeling of desperation that I've not felt in a long, long time. You see, I am one of those moms who never, and I mean NEVER minded waking up to quiet a frantic baby. I was determined to enable my babies to enjoy what I believe should be the most peaceful and calm time of their day. My babies had very few nightmares and I think it was because I worked very hard to calm them before bed and pray for their calm sleep. I prayed specifically that their dreams would be filled with Jesus and His special messages to them. 

Of course as they have aged, they have had more nightmares. But as they have aged they've had less and less of a need for their mom or dad to comfort them. They've learned how to manage themselves. But Elli, who comforts her? I don't know. I have never had a child that I had no answers for or about. I have a daughter that I do not know anything about except that she was chosen for me, for us, from the beginning of time. I only know that her abandonment was no surprise to God and that He will personally guide Logan (our adoption counselor) to her when she finally gets that permission to present her to us. 

My only hope, my only prayer, is that God Himself comforts her when she has a bad dream. No child deserves to open her eyes in the middle of the night knowing full well there is no one to snatch her up and tuck her in close. No one to pull the cover over them both making her feel secure. No one to sing hymns of love and eternal life in the darkness. No one to whisper promises of always being there to help get her through her hard nights. 

Elli has lonely dreams right now. I am kept from doing anything but petitioning my heavenly Father for grace and compassion on her. But one morning I am going to open my eyes and there, tucked tightly next to me in bed will be a little girl who can barely speak English, having had a bad dream the night before, ran into the room of the woman who she knew could make it all go away. 

Unless, of course, she had wrapped herself around the body of her big sister in her bed. That would be just as OK with me! 

Monday, May 14, 2012

He knows your name...

I sat, Saturday night, watching Kate dance in Kings Daughter. I was staring amazed at how those girls improve year after year and how beautifully they accomplished the dance and techniques that were expected of them, and then, totally unprepared, a group of beautifully clothed "angels" in blue sparkling dresses came out and danced, to a song that is not new but stuck me in a very new way. I caught my breath and began to cry realizing that the words to that song are words that I want Elli to know. Words I wish I could whisper to her right now as I hold her in my arms. I can't though. I can't because I don't know who she is; because I don't have her here in my arms. All I can do is hope and pray that God, through the Holy Spirit will reveal these truths to her tiny, precious heart in a miraculous way as only He can...

Dear Elli,

I pray that one day you will be able to sing this song and know the truth of this deep into the center of your very being.

I have a Maker
He Formed My Heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I love you, my child whom I've not yet met. The truth that HE knows you and loves you enables me to move from one day to the next waiting on HIM to reveal you to me and allow me to go and rescue you and bring you home to your forever family.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A family portrait of adoption...

There has been a lot on my heart and in my head over the last several months. I have been learning. Basically, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. I hate going into anything of importance blindly or at least I like to be able to talk  my way through a situation. I like to at least appear to know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about.

This is far too important to just sit back and let happen. It's not an issue of trusting the Lord or not. Of course I leave it all in His hands, every night as I lay in bed thinking of her as I drift off into a sleepy fog and every morning as the kids and I pray for Elli. It's a matter of doing MY due diligence. The stuff that is required of ME!

But as I study and read and read and read some more I feel less excited and more nauseous. I'd be bothered by that if I for a minute thought those feelings were unreasonable. Honestly, though, I had those feelings each time I found out I was pregnant with child 2-5. After all, I had a good and totally comfortable thing going and by adding another child to the mix it was, in a way, upsetting the apple cart.

Of course, those feelings came and went because what was I supposed to do to change it? Absolutely nothing. It was gonna be the way it was gonna be and I soon stopped seeing the change as a disruption and more as an adventure.

This time is very different and although it's scary different in a way, it's also good different. There have been a lot of serious, prayer-provoking, decisions that have been made between the Gman and myself. There have been very thought-provoking discussions between the kids and myself. What I have seen has delighted my mother's heart. Everyone has realized there is a precious little girl out there who desperately needs and deserves a home and a family who loves her. They are more than willing to put aside their comfort and what they know to be stability in order to bring Elli home. We pray for her every day. We pray for her care takers. She already has a place in our hearts, we just need to place her in our home. What I am seeing is that my kids are learning that putting aside what they know as comfort and security is worth it when it comes to the comfort and security of another who's never, ever known it before.

I have a friend who is about 2 months behind us on this journey. We became friends through this experience and are equally as nervous, excited, and totally nuts. We laugh about how "crazy" we are to be doing this and convince each other that there is good crazy and bad crazy and we are totally good crazy. But crazy we are none-the-less.

I just sent the last bit of paperwork necessary to get our dossier out of the country and into the hands of Chinese officials who will determine when we will meet our little one via pictures and a file and ultimately when we will hold her for the first time. I have been called a control freak in the past but I really don't think I am one. However, I will admit I have a love-hate relationship with someone over on the other side of the world having such a huge impact on our lives. I hate it because it's in their hands, I love it because ultimately it's really in God's hands and I so adore watching Him do totally bizarre stuff. So now, I am gonna practice my total and complete trust in Him (after all you never improve if you don't get harder and harder stuff to practice on) and wait patiently for my official DTC date and LID date and eventually the file and picture of my princess.

No, I am not really excited. I am a lot of things, emotionally, but excited is not one of them. There are too many other feelings crowding out excitement. But I can tell you, when I see the picture of Elli, all those other emotions will fall by the wayside and yes, excitement and joy and love and awe will replace them all.

I am amazed at the families who do this more than once. I find it very difficult and possibly it's an age thing. I do believe that it must be done more often and I hope and pray that this adventure of ours will lead our own children to search their hearts as well when it comes time for them to begin their families. I hope and pray that Elli will be the beginning of a long line of adopted Farharts. That the beauty of our adoption through Christ will be forever pictured in the Farhart family for generations to come.