So, seriously, I will HAVE to be honest and tell you the smile is wiped off my face and the look of frustration and "perturbation" (yes that is a word and Kate and I found it yesterday and we giggled for quite a while never knowing that I'd actually use it legitimately today). I had wanted ALL our paperwork to be completed and our Social Worker to be done with her part of our Homestudy before the last week in February when MJF and I left for a little respite in NC.
Our Social Worker let us down... and still here we are creeping closer to the middle of March and we have yet to see her write up. Don't get me wrong. I really like her. She is kind and sweet and really takes a personal interest in her cases but she is behind MY timetable and that is frustrating to me.
We left for NC feeling pretty good though because we thought we had it all together and at least had finished up our paperwork responsibilities. HOWEVER, while sitting happily in a quiet restaurant waiting for lunch I received an email notification on my phone (why do we think it's a good idea to have those with us 24/7?). It was our Agency counselor listing a number - a large number - of items she still needs from us. UGHGHGHGHGGGGHHHHH! No, I didn't just scream that out in the restaurant, actually I came very close to just crying... yes, just putting my head on the table and crying that cry that shakes your whole body.
I really thought I was going to rise above every other human being that takes this kind of step to adopt a precious child from across the globe. I thought I was going to have so much on my plate that I would be grateful for all the time it takes to complete this process and manage emotionally where others have failed. Yes, I would be the overcomer and keep my head on straight and not get all freaked out because of the enormous amount of time it takes for one family to adopt an orphan from across the world.
I WAS WRONG...
I am totally and completely immersed in this process. I catch myself being upset because people don't behave as if we are the only ones adopting in the whole world. I found out the other day that CJIS - the FBI office in Clarksburg, WV where MJF used to work and where ALL the fingerprints of any importance from all over the world go receive 2500 requests EACH DAY just from adoptive families. I wanted to cry because I knew from experience that adoptive families don't come before terrorists or bank robbers or murders or potential government officials. And I know from experience that I should not expect to come before them. The safety of our nation, of our world, needs to supersede any of us adopting children. So we wait, for a long, long time. For one or two people to process what has been piling up in boxes in the hallway (as I imagine it).
Of course, I am not the only one being handled by my Social Worker, by the Homestudy coordinator in Tupelo, or even by my agency counselor. I have had to come to terms with that emotionally - I've always known that intellectually.
Just as intellectually I've known God's running this adoption show, it's time I allow Him to do it emotionally as well.
Not knowing WHO my Elli Hope is is probably half my battle. Not until China says that they have our dossier will we be eligible to see who they have for us. At this point, I am not sure our dossier will be to China before June and that is enough to make me want to cry.
Since I am not a cry-er I just feel my stomach become knotted and imagine what my blood pressure is rising to and try to remember what I know to be true.
God's got this. He's got it in such a powerful way that I can't even grasp it. He knows exactly who Elizabeth Hope Farhart is and He's known from the beginning of time that she was going to be our daughter. HE IS the Red Thread that links her to us and us to her and when HE is ready HE will introduce us to her. It's our job, MY job, to just "chillax" (as #3 son would say) and live life, fill out a few forms, sign a few papers, and paint a few bedrooms. One day that email will come with a picture of my Elli Hope and before we know it we will be on a plane to China. I have lived long enough to realize the truth behind that.
As everyone who has gone before me has told me...
It is ALL so worth it.
Oh, and PS.... Please please periodically look at the post that I've listed items I am making for our fundraising. This whole endeavor is a $35,000.00 adventure and every 20, 40, or 60 bucks makes more of a difference than you know. I am hoping to be able to create a separate section on this blog to post only those items that I've made but for right now I don't know how and I need to post them w/in a blog post. Thanks.