This was originally written days ago, BEFORE, I got the email from our homestudy agency that they had Fed Ex'd everything out. Needless-to-say, I'm a bit happier today, but the following is no less true and important to this mama's heart...
We are still waiting. I assumed (I know... don't lecture) I would be holding my finished homestudy in my hot little hands right now knowing that my I800a application would be in Dallas or at least on it's way there by now. Of course not, why? I haven't a clue but it's not in my hands and never has been and I am just going to have to be at peace with that.
I waver back and forth several times a day talking myself in and out of being frustrated, hurried, impatient, angry, and then, in the end, I let it go and get on with my life at least for another couple of hours.
Most evenings I am found on my computer reading posts on numerous Yahoo China adoption sites. I've learned so much and met so many people that I am thankful that I have been forced onto those sites by an overpowering need to feel close to a daughter I haven't met yet.
I've made my own red thread bracelet that I have chosen to wear 24/7 until I walk through the door here in Madison, MS with Elli. I have realized that choosing to adopt - REALLY choosing to do that - choosing with the knowledge that you really didn't chose at all, you were called and you have submitted - does all kinds of things to your heart and your head and even someone who is sensitive to the issue but hasn't been "called" themselves doesn't fully get it. Those who think adoption is only for the infertile never will so it's not even worth trying. I have learned that leads to tears... of frustration and even anger.
This, my friends, is a heady business. In both a positive and negative way it is so. It is also "all consuming" and depending on whether the day is negative or positive regarding the adoption every aspect of that day is either negative or positive. I have to stop living like that - it's too hard on me and much too hard on the other precious gifts that live here. So I am working very hard to not allow my day to rise or fall based on the email I get from someone involved with my adoption agency or homestudy.
Of course, I am perusing, as I usually do before bed, the Yahoo sites I so regularly frequent. Tonight, while reading some posts others have so graciously shared I was intrigued by the comment one woman made in her post. She was trying to explain why those who are adopting children that have been in the same foster home for years shouldn't feel horrible about taking their child away from their foster family. A family that everyone knows is temporary and can end at a moment's notice.
It was an "a-ha" moment for me. It was the explanation that I needed to plainly but lovingly share with all those who look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I'm adopting (at 49 no less and already with 4 bio children) and then I add the 35,000 dollar "cherry" on top.
"You are worthy of belonging, you are worthy of a last name, you are worthy of forever."
I thought to myself...
"That is not only the response I want to give to others as to why we are doing what we are doing but it is also the response that I want to give to her.
It is the truth that I want her to know, to grasp, to stand upon.
It is the truth that brings me to tears every time I read it because I know that, whoever she is, wherever she is, she has no assurance of any of it. How long will she have to live with us before she's assured of it?
I used to wonder when I was pregnant how I could love a little peanut that swam around in my belly so much that I haven't even held. Today I wonder how I can cry tears of despair, hurt, concern, tears of a mama who is desperate to save her child from fear and uncertainty... and I don't even know WHO my child is.
The ONLY explanation is that the same God who made my heart put my desire for her in it. She's not here, my heart knows she should be, so I am left with a gaping hole that cannot be filled soon enough. It's an experience I could not have understood in any way unless I had been sent on this journey. Unlike many other experiences, words cannot adequately describe this confusing mess of emotions.
It's a mystery. Much like the mystery that surrounds that sacrifice of Christ. It's not surprising then that as Children of God we are considered adopted. I pray that as Elli grows in knowledge and ability to intellectually assess her circumstances past, present, and future, she will also be able to understand that she has a unique ability to grasp exactly what our adoption into the family of God means. I also pray that she will be able to articulate to her brothers and sisters how incredibly special it is to be chosen.