Saturday Night Revelations

In Guangzhou riding to one appointment or another
January 2013

We are beginning our 8th week as a family of 7. To be honest, I was shocked at that realization. I feel like Elli has been part of our family for such a long time. Is it really still February? Yes, I suppose it is. I guess I shouldn't be surprised then at the conversation we had the other night.

I am almost fascinated at how we, she and I, communicate. It's less and less through Google translate and more and more that she understands what I'm asking her or saying to her. There are hand gestures for sure, she has beautiful, tiny, almost infant-sized hands. They are practically perfect and miniature. They speak volumes when she uses them to help her ask for something specific or when she uses them to express some emotion that she has had.

Sam and Elli... their first meeting.

It had been a really fun day. Most of her days are. There is a lot of laughter, giggles, and lately, silly faces around here as she loves to delight in her surroundings and loves to make people laugh. I suppose for the most part that is somewhat of a defense mechanism. After all, if you make the people around you happy, they are less likely to send you back where you came from. She's always a winner when Sam is around. He cannot help but smile and laugh at her whether she is being appropriate or not. It's always a great day in Elli's mind when Sam comes over. It's never for long but it's always for an Elli fix (and sometimes for dinner).



As adults, we assume a lot. I assumed that after "all this time" Elli should be totally secure in our love for her and the permanence of her as a member of our family. Then, I looked at the calendar and realized it'd only been 7 weeks from the day we first met. I am not sure I am convinced of much of anything after 7 weeks let alone being a loved and adored part of a family. She is a 5 yr. old little girl who is only just now becoming comfortable with a language she hardly ever heard. She is only just now considering American food to be palatable. She is only just now dropping her defenses and being honest about an occasional negative feeling.

Before 10 minutes ago, I was shocked about our conversation of Saturday night. Now it makes a lot of sense.

Saturday was a busy day, most of it because of all the rain we've been having was spent inside and, for me, in the kitchen preparing food for the coming week. Kate spent most of the day with a friend down the street and Josh was typically upstairs in his room hunkered down with friends on Xbox Live or drumsticks flying filling our home with downbeats and fills or strumming and plucking on his guitar. Saturday, Elli had daddy, that was important because daddy was leaving for the week beginning on Sunday morning. Daddy is Elli's Chinese communicator and when he's gone she doesn't get a lot of easy communication.

By Saturday evening Kate had returned and she and Elli had disappeared into her closet. Within 15 minutes I  saw two silly girls emerge dressed in a mish-mash of colorful apparel and ready to put on a show. They danced and twirled and sang and laughed and before they knew it, it was time to dial down, take a bath and head off to bed.


Usually if daddy is around, Elli insistes that he put her to bed. Saturday night was no exception, except one, after he kissed her goodnight and left the room she called for me. That has never happened. I was almost a little put out. After all I had more to do and she had already been tucked in. I put on my happy face, told myself to suck it up and headed in to give her a kiss goodnight. That was not the plan that Elli had, though.

I could tell that she was jazzed. Not really relaxed and sleepy enough to close her eyes. Her mind had been racing. Elliot jumped up onto the bed and cuddled up next to her (because after all it's not possible for me to be out of his sight). She began to ask me about daddy being gone. Elli wanted me to reassure her of all the things her daddy told her. One thing he said, the most important thing he said, was that he would be home in 5 days, "on mommy's birthday".

I confirmed for her that what he told her was true. That it was time to sleep. She would have none of it. She started talking about birthdays, that my birthday was next, then her birthday, then Kate's birthday then Sam's birthday, then Drew's birthday... all of this she said to me in English. She has come a long way in 7 weeks. I confirmed, once again, that she was correct. She's excited about her birthday. We've looked at birthday cakes. She had made sure earlier in the week that she would have one and that it would be "BIGGGGG" (with her arms open as wide as she possibly could open them).

Josh's birthday cake made of milk chocolate
delivered to our room in Guangzhou
compliments of The Garden Hotel

I told her that she would be 6 on her birthday. Then she did something I didn't expect. She did her typical "point towards the floor" meaning "here at home". I said "yes, of course, you will be here for your 6th birthday."

She began to list everyone's birthdays in order again. She got to Josh's and I told her it was a long way away because he had had his birthday in Guangzhou.

Once again, she made a comment about Guangzhou. Guangzhou was the city in China just Northeast of Hong Kong where the American consulate is. That is where all the Americans have to go and stay for about a week after leaving the province where they received their children. That is where all the paperwork is finalized in order that our children, born in China, can arrive in the states and become immediate citizens. I was a little baffled about her mentioning Guangzhou because it was not a place she'd ever been before the 11th of January of this year. I was confused and honestly thought she was telling me she wanted to go back.

Guangzhou 

With a little fear and a lot of trepidation I asked her. "Baby, do you want to go back to Guangzhou?"

"NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Meiguo" (pronounced Megwah - meaning America)

 She promised me that she had no interest in going back. She wanted to be in America. I asked her if she was happy to be here. I asked her if she was happy I was her mommy. She said yes, very happy.

Then she again asked me about her 6th birthday and I realized what she needed to hear.

I held up the appropriate fingers and I said "Elli, you will be 6 here, and 7 here, and 8, here..." she joined in the counting. "and 9 here, and 10 here..." we got as far as 30 and I then said "then you will meet a man..." she looked at me puzzled and I sorta laughed to myself. I knew very well that her smile and pretty face and heart of gold she would meet a man before she was 30.

Her first look at her bedroom "is this all mine?"

She began her daily reminder to me (often several times a day) of all that was "Elli's". She pointed to her bed and her room and her toys. She just wanted to confirm that she BELONGED. After all, if that room was hers she was surely staying.

Then, she sat up, looked in my eyes and said "Mommy," making her hands into fists and putting them to her eyes as if she was rubbing them (her symbol for crying) "Guangzhou" she added. I knew what she meant.

Her first plane ride... Jan 11, 2013 - from Haikou to Guangzhou

On our last day in Guangzhou, first thing in the morning, before breakfast, she had a throw-down of sorts. It was to a degree legit but it got out of hand. It was crunch time, we needed to eat breakfast and hand off our baggage to be taken to the van. We needed to get to the airport and begin our 20 hour excursion back home. She decided to stand in the middle of the hotel room crying at the top of her lungs for one full hour. She wasn't going to move, she wasn't going to be quiet, there was no calming her as I had successfully done previously. There was only one thing to do - ask our guide to speak to her.

Sweet Rebecca did just that. She came to our room and not only calmed her down but did it with reason, not allowing her to continue to wallow in her circumstances. She basically told her to "get a grip". We ended up leaving for the airport with a very angry but tearless and quiet little girl. I, on the other hand, lost it on the van ride to the airport. That had put me over the edge. I wasn't crying for myself, I was crying for her. Crying because we were taking this little princess to begin a wonderful life in America but she had no way of being assured of that. Thankfully, within the hour, she was her old happy self.

A new American Citizen. Antics on the
Plane-Train in the Atlanta Airport

 "Mommy," she said again, "Guangzhou" and again she made her symbol for crying.

I smiled and said, "Yes, Elli, I remember. You cried in Guangzhou."

"Mommy, I sorry."

I was stunned... "What?"

"I sorry" symbol for crying "Guangzhou"

Oh my, I really didn't know what to say. I took her hands in mine. I smiled at her.

 "I love you, Elli"

"I love you too, Mommy"

She laid down and cuddled under her blankets. She looked up at me and grabbed my face in her hands. She has a routine of kisses before she closes her eyes. She turned my face and kissed my right cheek, then my left cheek. She pushed my face down and kissed my forehead and then, the most prized kiss of all - a big pucker to my lips. I did the same and she said. "Goodnight, Mommy, see you in morning."

"See you in the morning, Elli. I love you."

"Bye."

I  cringe every time I hear her say that. There's something unnerving when your daughter tells you "bye" as you leave her room after tucking her in. She has always said that so I've tried not to let it bother me too much. I think when she learns more English, I'm gonna tell her not to say that anymore.

What other surprises are in store?

Friday, Elli and I spent most of the day together. School was pretty much ditched because of appointments and misc. waiting. Kate was still recovering from having the stomach bug the day before so there was no dance lesson for her that day. Elliot needed grooming so Elli and I left Josh and Kate at home while we drove the 20 minutes to the PetSmart that has the best groomer this side of the Mississippi. (biased I know but why else would I drive 20 minutes?)

I tried to warn her that Elliot - who she calls "go go" because that is the way "dog" sounds in Chinese - would cry when we left him. He is very much like a toddler with separation anxiety. He really thinks life cannot go on without me. Although most of the time I love that, unconditional love from any living creature is wonderful, sometimes it's just overbearing and I just hate that he can't understand me when I want to tell him "Suck it up and take it like a man."

She thought she was prepared for his crying but she wasn't. He FREAKED and she had never heard shrieks and screams and crying from an animal like that. If she didn't have her built in giggle protection (she has one particular laugh/giggle that she does when she's either in trouble and bummed that she got caught or worried/unsure of something) she would have probably fallen apart right there on the floor of the grooming section.

She spent the whole walk out of the store replaying the event, "Go go Whahhh" (as she rubs her eyes in a crying pantomime). This went on for minutes... I mean M.I.N.U.T.E.S.

"Yes, Elli" he cried.

"Yes, honey"

"But we will go back for him"  Geezzz where was Google translator when you needed it?

So, to relieve the stress of watching such a traumatic good bye... we shopped.

That went well except that she asks if she can have every thing she sees that she thinks pertains to her at all. I'm thankful that we are currently broke or I'd be more than happy to have obliged but I have learned the skilled art of saying "No" with a smile on my face. Then, when I have been pushed to the point of giving in I have learned that she knows exactly what I mean when I say "You can have 'this' or 'this'"

Ironically, she usually chooses the item that is most "useful". I almost want to tell her no because push pop makers are not what a little girl should want more than puzzles. But I let her choose. She had frozen root beer push pops later that day.

Finally, we did what we always end up doing when we have time to kill

GO GET FRENCH FRIES

When we sat down she asked for the thousandth time when we were going to pick up Elliot. It had been almost 4 hours so I knew Tasha would call soon telling me he was ready. We sat down at a table with chairs and she tried out several different ones to decide which one she liked best. In the process she did something that hurt her chest and proceeded to lift up her shirt - to her neck - to show me what happened. 

Of course I was about to pull her shirt down when I was reminded that there was a traumatic event in her past that I knew nothing about. I find it bizarre, looking back on it, that we didn't just come right out and ask her but for some odd reason we didn't, even when we discussed it at the doctor's office at UAB. 

The scars. Tons of them. Well it looks like tons on a tiny little body like hers. I bet she has 6 or 7 all over her torso.All of them no less than 3 inches long, some longer. Clean, not jagged, but not remotely straight. One large scar has what looked like suture marks on either side. We have no record of that so we had no idea. We wondered with the doctor if maybe she had some benign tumors removed or something like that at one time but there was no rhyme or reason for the scars. 

So, I asked. She and I have gotten to be pretty good at communicating. Actually SHE'S gotten to be pretty good at communicating. 

It was a dog, a very big dog when she was a very little girl (she's still a very little girl). It growled and showed his teeth and then attacked her and bit her "here, and here, and here..." she pinched herself all over her torso and her legs, everywhere. I was aghast! 

I would ask her questions to get specifics. She knew what I was saying and she would confirm my responses with the most matter of fact "Yes... Yes". No smile, no frown, just a serious, information providing look as she continued to make it clear exactly what the dog looked like and sounded like when he came after her.

My precious little girl was almost eaten alive by a dog and yet she wants to know when she is getting "HER GO GO" back. 

She has never ONCE acted remotely afraid of Elliot. I find that fascinating. 

After thoroughly explaining her trauma she went back to finishing her french fries. 

Tasha called soon afterward and off we went to pick up Elliot.

Elli sat happily in her seat in the back and as I drove across the street I began to sing...

Bless the Lord

Oh my soul

Oh oh oh my soul

worship His Holy Name.

and out of nowhere I heard a little voice behind me singing with me, in English, the exact tune, with just the slightest Chinese accent.

I was floored. I had no idea when or where she had the chance to pick that up. She could have only heard it a couple times at best on the radio in the car and yet, there she was, singing that song. 

We kept singing it all the way to the store and into the groomer. 

Elli insisted that she was in charge of "go go" and she leashed him up and walked him out. 

I drove home with two happy little critters in my car that afternoon. No, make that three.

Elliot was rescued from the mean groomer Tasha who insists he look and smell like a puffy white cloud on a clear sunny day.

Elli was on her way home, laughing at her "go go" trying to find a place near my leg to rest his head and finally decided on the tops of the two Iced Tea cups sitting between us.

And I, because I had just had a full, long afternoon with my daughter who barely knows my language but seems to understand me completely. Because I discovered another very important thing about her past today. And I heard her sing another song to the Lord.

It may be a year before she really understands all the songs that she is going to learn to sing over the next several months but God will do a work anyway. He is just like that. If He waited until we fully understood all that He is He'd never act upon us. 

He's got something huge for her. I am sure of it. I'm watching and waiting with great excitement. May she glorify Him with all she is until the day she rejoices with Him in Heaven.

"The Talk"

So, we had "the talk" tonight... Elli and I.

How did it happen, you ask? How were we able to do it so soon? After all it's only been a month since "Gotcha Day".

After church Wednesday night, Elli and I came home together, just she and I. We had a lot of time alone and I wasn't in a hurry to get her to bed even though she needed to go. She didn't want a bath, she needed a bath, she didn't like the snack I picked out, she needed something before bed... then she wanted a bath... UGH.

Then she asked the question, more with her hands than with her mouth as is typical between she and I.

"Are you staying here (meaning here in the house) when I am in the bathtub?"

Wow, where else would I go? She's never seemed to worry about that before. But then, she's never had a bath alone before. Usually Kate dons her bathing suit and sits in our big tub with her. Kate has never grown out of tub toys and has more rubber duckies than Ernie. Between the rubber duckies and the Barbie mermaids they have a grand time. I wonder if Elli wonders if Americans all bath for over an hour with toys every time? They don't sell bath toys in China. Actually, they don't sell very many toys at all in China.

So, I got on my handy-dandy Google Translator and told her that I was staying right here the whole time she was in the tub. That seemed to satisfy her curiosity.

But...

Just then...

I had a thought.

I got back on the translator. I typed in, "I will never leave you alone."

She smiled and nodded her head.

I typed again. "I am your mommy, F.O.R.E.V.E.R."

She stopped, nodded and held up the number 4 on her hands.

No, I'm not gonna assume she knows what I said.

I typed again. "I am going to ALWAYS be your mommy."

She stopped. She turned off the Kindle show she was watching. She turned to me and smiled. Not a huge, my life is complete, kind of smile. She smiled at me like "I was pretty sure of that but now I'm happy to be totally sure of that."

Then I typed "We are always going to be a family."

She pressed the button over and over to hear it in Chinese two, three, four times. Then, she did something that I wasn't expecting. She wanted me to retype what I said but put in there that Mommy, Daddy, Drew, Sam, Josh, Kate and Elli were ALL a family. She wanted to hear every name spoken together, Oh, and to add the dog too. She doesn't often call him Elliot. She usually calls him "go go".

So, that is exactly what I did. Elli pressed it over and over and over again. She could not get enough of hearing that Chinese lady's voice remind her of her Forever Family.

If she wasn't sure a week ago, two weeks ago, she is sure now. She is Elizabeth Hope Farhart. Elli for short.

Forever
             and Ever
                        Amen.

You'll kill me...

"You don't tell anyone about this do you?" Kelly asked me toward the end of the first half of our appointment at the UAB International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham, AL. She was joking... well mostly joking... well, maybe half joking. You see, our appointment went really, really, REALLY well.

Daddy and Elli waiting for our appointment to begin.

Elli was relaxed and happy and acted just like she always acts. No manic moments (as sometimes comes in the evening brought on by the Prednisone we are slowly trying to rid from her body). No lack of desire to be obedient. No intentional digging in of heals when I or daddy said "no" or "not now". She just was... Elli. She laughed and giggled and played almost the entire time on daddy's lap. She'd occasionally look up at the muted TV with SpongeBob or Scooby Doo or Dora running across the screen. She'd catch Kelly glancing at her out of the corner of her eye and respond with a wide smile and twinkling eyes, never moving from the comfort and security of daddy's lap.

Kelly loved that about her. Frankly, Kelly loved
everything about Elli. Kelly loved almost everything we told her about our whole adoption experience from "Gotcha Day" until that day 22 days later. It's not that Kelly had never seen such a good outcome so quickly before but it was rare. I desperately tried to pull thoughts and events and feelings from the depths of my memory to share with her in the hopes...yes HOPES... that she would tell me "Oh, well, THAT's a red flag." But, no, there were no red flags.

She was hoping I'd not gone on and on about how wonderfully things were going because she was afraid it would be discouraging to others. It's not that I didn't realize that or that I'd not chosen to keep my mouth shut, especially on the adoption Facebook site I frequent because I knew other moms who were really struggling with A LOT. Of course I'd not want to be the source of discouragement. I know those moms, they'd be so happy for me. But honestly, when you are jet lagged, when you have other children that are making demands of you, when  your newest family member won't let you put her down for even a second in spite of the fact that she might weight 30 pounds and you haven't slept in 2, 3, maybe 4 WEEKS! Well just how much happiness is left in your body especially for someone who just throws it out there that she is experiencing none of what you are.

Hmmm, nope... not sharing a dang thing.

Kate and Elli in front of Blair Batson Children's Hospital

Just 2 days earlier we'd been to see the head of the hematology department at Blair Batson Children's Hospital here in Jackson, MS. Yep, that's another thing I sorta kept to myself. This woman is seriously busy. She is awesome and came highly recommended. It's not like there aren't other docs there that are great too, she's just the one who a few people we asked suggested we TRY to see, if we were "lucky", IF we could get in. We called on Friday, we saw her on Monday afternoon. We weren't expecting that. We didn't assume that. We didn't even ask for that. Her appointment nurse just GAVE us that appointment.

Everyone was right. She is great. She's perfect to work with children. You just know a doctor when he/she should focus on kids. She sees a lot of sad circumstances. Her heart is happy though. She agreed with us that Elli needed to come off the Prednisone and echo'd a friend's comments who's son has Chronic ITP like Elli. "This is no big deal." She spent some time telling us why but it's so not a big deal that there's really not even much to tell. We fashioned out a plan and decided by the middle of March that Elli would be drug free and we'd see where she stood with her platelet counts. Easy Peasy.

Hmmm, yep... NOT talking too much about the whole Easy Peasy part.

I just realized tonight that I was breathing. I mean really breathing... easy. I don't remember the last time I sighed and if you ask my family why I sigh they would say "because that is just what mom does". I realized that I spent the last 12 months being prepared to watch my entire life change completely - I was holding my breath to see what was gonna happen.

It's not happened at all like I thought it would. I thought I was going to fail Josh and Kate second semester. Not fail them because THEY didn't perform in the manner expected of them but that I would be the failure because Elli's arrival would deprive them of being able to learn in the manner they deserved to learn. But no, Elli is as eager to learn as any other 5 year old. She happily sits at the table and traces letters, colors papers, repeats phrases and words that she needs to know and understand. Nope, school really hasn't changed..

The first day back to school. 5 days after arriving in the US

 hmmm NOT sharing that, not right now


Then there was the decision to stay away from church and ministries and well, pretty much everything because, you know, everyone has to cocoon for at least 3 months, right? So MAYBE by the end of March I'd be able to go back to church. So MAYBE she will quietly sit next to me in the sanctuary in "big church" for a month or two. THEN I will sacrifice the summer and attend Sunday night and Sunday morning classes with her so that HOPEFULLY we will all feel comfortable with her starting Kindergarten Sunday school classes in the fall.

Finishing her George Mueller coloring page from her
first evening in Treasure Builders

After two weeks we could no longer stand it. She was so comfortable, so well behaved, so.. well... so able to go to church with us that we just HAD to go. Two Sundays after we'd arrived home in the US we were all sitting in the sanctuary watching and waiting to see how this little girl was gonna handle a contemporary Christian church filled with hundreds of people. Actually EVERYONE was watching her. I am surprised that our Pastor didn't clap his hands to get our attention and point his way and say "I would be the one to watch right now."

She was great. She did exactly what any of us would expect a well behaved 5 year old to do. She was amazing. When it was over she handled the 500 photo ops she had brilliantly as well. The next weekend  (this past weekend) I chose to take her to the Sunday evening class for her age group. I sat in the class but she insisted on sitting with the kids. She was bummed about the big chunky crayons because, after all, she is almost 6 and she colors flawlessly, but THEY didn't know that. After listening to 10 other kids get their name called she realized that each time a name was called a child chose to give an "animal sound". To my amazement when the teacher said "Elli" she responded "Meow"... now really, we are SO ready for this! Next Sunday we will be in 9:30 Lifegroup for the K4's. Oh My she has no idea what's ahead of her.

Of course I will stay with her until she feels like she can go it alone but somehow I doubt it's gonna take until the fall. It's an exciting development but I'd hate to share the ease at which we are adjusting with a mama who is just desperate to feel the physical arms of her women's Bible Study group around her again after being gone for months because her new daughter or son just cannot be left in childcare yet.

The inner rocker came out tonight just under 1 month
from the day we first met this princess

Tonight, as I was getting Elli her bedtime snack she heard Michael and Josh upstairs playing some of the Praise Team sets that they have to be prepared to play over the next several Sundays and Wednesdays. She had just been bathed and it was late, after 9:30. She should have been in bed an hour before.

I messed around in the kitchen awhile, waiting for her to come down to have her snack and then go to bed. She was a no-show; for a long time. So as I've gotten in the habit of doing, I grabbed my phone and headed upstairs to see what was keeping her and low and behold I saw a blur. A blur that had been full-on for 15 minutes and would continue for another 15. She found new ways to dance to Praise music and then... out of nowhere, Josh did what we had not expected... out of the amp came "Gundam Style". Right there, in front of my face, the itty bitty very new Farhart danced You Tube perfection with her big sis as Josh drummed to the song and her daddy and I just stared in awe. She became 100% Farhart at 10pm February 4, 2013.

And I breathed and breathed and breathed. And I realized that was exactly what I was doing.

Don't get me wrong, I, like you, think this has been WAYYYY too easy. Like you I realize there will be a trigger. Surely there's gotta be a trigger. Elli has cried only twice (only once with audible noise) since the day we met her. Some people, kids included, just aren't big criers. After all, she flat out watched the Lab Tech at UAB stick the needle in her arm and take 9 vials of blood. (I swear the number of vials increases each time we tell this story) She didn't utter a sound. She didn't even quiver a lip.

But I suspect that one day, maybe soon, something is gonna happen. Some memory or realization is gonna come storming to the front of her little brain and she is gonna look at me and lose all the composure that she's been so bravely trying to keep all these weeks. But here's the deal... that's ok.

Why?

Because yesterday... when I told her "I love you, Elli." Instead of her just smiling and saying "I love you too, Mommy." (which is pretty awesome in and of itself). She smiled at me, leaned into me so that her face butted up against my neck and whispered into my ear "I love you, too Mommy." And then, just for a minute, I stopped breathing. It was then that I got my first, real, "I love you".

So when it comes, if it comes, I'm ready. And maybe it will come totally BECAUSE it's official. She really does love me and she knows what that means and she KNOWS that she can totally lose it all over me and I will hold her through it until she cries out every last tear even if it takes hours. That if she is no longer that amazingly composed, always cheery, "A" game girlie, it won't change one little thing about how I feel about her. I will still think that she is one of the most brave little girls that I've ever had the honor to meet.

I love this girl!

"Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile." 

-Tessa Dare, A Lady of Persuasion

Waiting for life to get back to...

... what it was before we left for China. Wait a minute... was that thought in my head?

before we left for China
1/3 2013

Unfortunately, yes it was. And it's been in my head every morning about 1:30 am when my body alarm clock wakes up my brain alarm clock and I stare at the ceiling and wonder when it will all be "normal" again.

Gotcha Day 1/7/2013

It won't be. There is a new normal and God has orchestrated that for me. He obviously has more confidence in me than I have in myself and since He is the one who created me I need to trust that He knows me better than I know myself. So, OK, I'll follow His lead and try to figure all of this out.

On Erik and Nicki's balcony in Haikou City, Hainan Province
Just down the street from Elli's orphanage

Since I'm supposed to be the parent here, most of any given day, I have to figure out how I'm going to accomplish all of this without staring at myself in the mirror and being incredibly disappointed. That was always my dad's job - to look at me with disappointment and when that didn't seem to work, flat out tell me he was. Not sure how he feels about me today but I had vowed I'd never do that to my kids and I certainly don't need to do that to myself, still, after all these years.

You never really know how baths are
going to go. In Elli's case each
bath must last at least an hour.

Josh would let her
play all the time.

So, I have some figuring out to do. The best way to do that, I think, is to allow myself some time, alone, with Him. More than the usual chaotic conversations. I hear His voice pretty well. Tragedy does that to a person; it can if you let it. I let it, I let it big time and it's results were joy in the "mourning" just like He promised.

There's a bit of mourning here, back home. I have had to bury the life that I'd been used to. The life that had allowed me some bit of the selfishness that I struggle with every day. There is no longer, really, one minute of my waking day that I can claim as mine. There is a little person that lives in my house now that doesn't understand one thing that I say to her - mostly. I can give our dog more freedom than I can give to her. I am in preschool bondage - again.

Saying goodbye from the only home she's ever known.
It's not easy, it's not supposed to be.

She is a little too good on the
electronics if you ask me

I have to be careful, though. When I get like this I tend to think in terms of years. At my age years go by quickly and I have this habit of saying "this time next year...". Then it is "next year" and there's barely anything to show for the year, in memories I mean. I allow one whole stinkin' year to pass by me without taking the time to breath it in, to smell the roses, to even take pictures to commemorate the year's accomplishments. That realization usually leads to the requisite head  beating against the wall. Then the slump onto the floor with great disappointment... in myself.

At the Safari Zoo

No one has a better big sister.

I can't do that this year. This year is huge. This year I'm gonna watch a little 5 year old girl become someone she never, in her wildest dreams thought she'd become. A typical American girl with a forever family with opportunities for her future that are as wide as they are long. I am going to see her meet Jesus, and learn about who He is and who His father is in a way that she would not have been able to understand otherwise. I am going to watch more firsts for a little girl in one year than most moms get in 5 years. I cannot afford to miss this. Those firsts may very well be the blessings God has for me for the obedience that I give to Him.

River cruise cuddling

I will have to force myself to look, slow down, take it all in. I may even need a sticky note or two placed in strategic places to remind myself to look up and to look around. I may have to remind myself what I so often remind my kids, to take it like a man, just so I don't miss something big coming out of something little.

The guy who speaks her language

This year is gonna be big. This year is gonna establish our "new normal". I really hate that phrase but it's the one that describes what will happen this year the best. Our adventure in China was only a drop in the adventure bucket. I cannot miss what is coming next.

 This time next year none of us will be the same.

what will next year bring?

The end... But not really.

Nights have been good, no great. The other night, as I prepared to put Elli to bed she ran for her bed to jump in. I really want to make a habit of holding her and rocking her and singing to her. I called her name and opened up my arms. She made a run at me and jumped into them. That would have been enough just to feel her squeeze my neck with her toothpick-frail arms and wrap her equally as tiny legs around my waist but she leaned back to see my face and I started to sing. "Jesus loces me this I know..." As I sang each word she repeated them after me. The truth is, that It was an amazing thing, but not for the reason that you might think.

Just two nights earlier, our first night here, she had another throw-down. It was bad and had as much to do with going to bed in a strange place as with daddy being gone. He left just minutes earlier with Josh and she really wanted to go. So I took her fighting tooth and nail, straight as a board to put her jammies on and get her in bed. Her behavior was unacceptable and when she chooses that behavior she is taken away from the "fun". In this case it was time for bed so to bed we went. We'd already had a bath and were on our way there anyway. There would be no singing and cuddling and kissing goodnight that night. She was thinking she was going to punish me. She actually camevpretty close.

I eventually decided to lay on the bed across from her, stare at her in the face and sing very cery slowly "Jesus Loves Me". I knew she was very angry and she needed the Holy Spirit to calm her heart. She stared at me intently without making a sound or even blinking an eye. By the time I finished the song I was sobbing. I was shocked at how one little girl could be so angry. I had to leave the room. I went back in several minutes later and at that point she had turned her body toward the pillow. I asked her if she wanted to lay down and I touched her back. She melted into the pillow and I covered her up and kissed her cheek. I prayed over her and she was asleep in minutes.

She had heard the song. Not only had she listened to what I was singing, she had learned the words. She was mad at me, but maybe she really wasn't. Maybe she was just mad at the world. Maybe she was mad at what she didn't understand or that she herself didn't understand. Maybe she wasn't mad at all but didn't know what else to do to express her utter dispair at losing any form of control over her life. The paradox of having a forever family and going to America but having no idea of the reality of it. The reality that she did have experience with was not as great as what was ahead but itvwas what she knew... Maybe second best was good enough.

What a lesson to all of us. There is always One who knows whats ahead even if we don't. Only complete trust in Him will open our hearts and minds to what is really the best. Only her complete trust in us will enable her to enjoy completely the life ahead of her.

That trust is coming along more every day. Since Sunday we have been in different situations with people that she didn't know or feel comfortable with. Every time she ran to Michael or I for security. She occasionally messes with Kate's head (and heart) by running to Josh when Kate wants to hold her. There's nothing dumb about her. She is very smart. Sometimes too smart for her own good.

Since Sunday we have learned that her platelet count is normal and we are excited to be able to have and appt. already set up at the International Adoption Clinic so that we can learn what to do about her meds and how to get her off of them.

We had a bit of a scare when we went to the Consulate and they were upset about several date discrepancies. Thankfully we were able to contact Haikou eventually and they altered dates to the satisfaction of the US Consulate.

Wednesday morning we woke up to get ready for a morning of shopping on Shamian Island. We went to grab the camera that houses our 1,000+ photos only to realize no one knew where it was or who had it last. We couldn't download pics bc MJF did't feel good about bringing the laptop. So we left with no time to search for the camera and wondering if we had left it, accidentally, on the boat from the river cruise the night before. I began replacing my petitions to God for the return of my good health with sheer begging for Him to reveal to us where that camera was. As much as I tried not to make it so, the day was a bit hampered by the knowledge that we may have lost every meaningful picture we took from this trip.

Thankfully, it took only the entrance into our room to jog Josh's memory and her pointed out exactly where it was. That was a sweet gift since we were prepared to tear apart the room looking for it.

The evening is ending nicely, the hotel found out it was Josh's birthday and sent up a chocolate birthday cake. Not a chocolate flavored birthday cake, an actual birthday cake made from 6x6 pieces of decorated chocolate to look like a present then the bow on the top made from white chocolate. When you open the present there is cake and whipped cream on the inside. A waiter brought it up on a silver tray with a clear plastic dome over it and a card addressed to him on the front. Very cool, very cool, indeed.

Now it's time to get back to packing. There really is a lot to do. It's ok though because I'll do just about anything to get us back to the states.

Thanks for following along with us on this journey. It's been an amazing one and I hope you'll stay tuned because it's really not the end, is it? It's just the beginning...

The beginning of the end...

What a great couple of days we've had since our last bedtime fiasco. I'd like to say she repented of her throw down but honestly I think I just proved to her that I was always going to be there for her.

She awoke her happy self on Saturday morning and we headed off to the required medical appt. What a fiasco. More people than i've ever seen in my life crammed into a clinic. There's not an American doctor who would have remained calm under those circimstances at a clinic full of children and their overprotective parents.

Elli was all "mommy mommy" that day which I soaked up and relished. She is obviously the "big girl" in our group and I really think she knows it. Josh and Kate are really being excellent examples for her but she is very much her own person. I can already tell she's had to carry too many responsibilites for such a little girl and she is working on letting go of some of the things have been expected of her that no longer are. Her biggest accomplishment has ben using her hands to eat when appropriate. She is now a french fry lover and does a great job picking them up with her little fingers.

Once we got to the clinic we were told that bc she is over two we would have to get her blood drawn. Michael almost had a coronary. We went through all the steps they required and then went to see the doctor who would examine her little body. He floored us when he announced that she was taking prednisone daily and hydrocortisone every other day. UGHHHHH. We know shes been on it for at least 2 years, who know what other damage is being done to her little body. I am so thankful for all the medical professionals at our disposal back home starting with her very own special doctor who has loved her before he met her. Dr. Blanco will be one of the first to greet her off the plane, she already knows his name. I don't have to worry and wonder if those who care for her medical needs care for her as well. I know they will.

Michael was thinking on his feet. He really wanted her platelet count and didn't want to wait til we got home. He thought that if they were gonna stick her anyway, why not get the count. Rebecca, our guide asked what the cost would be. They would send a translated copy of the lab report to our guide on Monday for 30 bucks ( or maybe 30 yuan which is 5 bucks i can't remeber which) either way it was cheap and we would take it. Finally we will be able to see where we stand with her ITP.

We were FORCED to stay out of the room while they drew Elli's blood. When they finished they sent her out with a piece of candy and instructions to hold the area for 5 minutes to make sure she clotted. We did what they asked and went on her way. Not a tear or a scream came from such a tiny little thing at any time. For such a chaotic place the medical professionals are kind and loving and very good listeners.

That night we had Pizza Hut. Not quite the same as American Pizza Hit but still a very nice change. Elli had speghetti bc after all if noodles are available why have anything else.  We had another nice evening and a very pleasant bedtime. We all slept well and woke up to a new day...happily it was somewhat free and included shopping.

Sunday was no different than any other day in China. It was our shopping day. It was a fun day and a day we realized that the Chinese make as poor American food as Americans make of Chinese food. But that was ok. We had fun and were able to mix with the culture somewhat. We've been back from our room resting, Kate, Elli, and I while Michael and Josh are out exploring.

I really think we are on a roll here. There may be another hard night here or there but I believe that she is catching on and feeling more and more a part of our family as the days progress. It's exciting to see her move past her sadness and more toward acceptance. I just wish I could imprint onto her heart that we will never leave her... Ever. One day the light will go off and her life will be forever changed. I pray that once she realizes that she will only be a step away from realizing that she has a Heavenly Father who is even more faithful to her. That will be the best day of her life.