That you may know...

There are a lot of things I'd like Elli to know. I fear I will be horribly impatient as I have to wait for her to even comprehend the simplest of thoughts in English let alone the deeper thoughts and truths of God's Word. I have found that I don't care much about my simple thoughts though. I want her to know the Word and I want her to know it deep into the depths of her being.

I have had days upon days and years upon years to cradle my biological children in my arms and sing them praise songs to learn by and to sleep by. I have had hours on end to teach them the Word of God and discuss the meaning with them at each and every age level they entered. I didn't feel the urgency since I knew that they would be with me day in and day out and yes, I could "teach them to my children, talking of them as I am sitting in our house, and when I am walking by the way, and when I lay down, and when I rise." (Deut 11:19). I knew that I had total control over the worthwhile-ness of every conversation, every event, every day. I didn't always make it what is should have or could have been but I had those kids to cradle and hug and cuddle and rock... but not Elli. Elli is being cared for in a different way at a different place in a different country with a very different "god". My hope and prayer for her is that God has placed a Christian caretaker in her midst that prays for her constantly and speaks the Word over her daily. I am indebted to whomever cares for her just for keeping her alive, just for preparing her for me to be her mommy.


When I think of what I want her to know, to grasp, to gulp into her very being so many truths of Scripture come to mind. Today I was reminded of one of my favorites. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Of course I know that that verse is really meant for the people of Israel. It's not that we can't make some semblance of application for ourselves and obviously I do or it wouldn't be one of my favorite verses. Put into the perspective of the orphan, though, I almost can't hold back my tears. If Elli was old enough to read that verse, what would she think? What kind of plans could God have for her? She is in a country that hates God and celebrates a little fat man. Her future is completely unsure unless of course she turns 14 while in an orphanage and then the reality of what lies ahead for her is unthinkable.

Yet, this is what she doesn't know. The plans God has for her are in the works, even now. Those plans actually began long before any of us ever knew they would exist and have physically been going on for months; endless (it seems) months. The plans God has for her are to be the little sister and youngest daughter in a family of 6 who are prepared even now to sacrifice all that they can to bring her home to them to have a forever family with a future and a hope that is unimaginable. No longer will her only options be evil. Even greater will be the ONE she will learn of. The ONE who had her hope and future planned all along. The ONE who regardless of anything else in the world loves her in a way she has never known she could be loved.


As I have been writing this, the still small voice of the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me as well. He has been reminding me that if Elli doesn't fully know all the plans He has for her, I most likely have no idea of all the plans He has for me. What is going on behind the scenes that He is orchestrating to enable us to bring that hope and future to fruition for Elli.  I smile and half laugh as tears well up in my eyes because I am fully aware of all that I don't know.

Yet, He doesn't want us to be fully in the dark. Ephesians 3, verses 17 - 19 remind me that I "being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to KNOW the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that" I "may be filled with all the fullness of God." One day Elli will KNOW that too and may even have a more full comprehension of what that really means because of where her life began.

I am thankful to be able to KNOW so much but am confident that what I don't know is being carefully and wonderfully planned by a Heavenly Father who KNOWS exactly what we, Elli and I, need when we need it at just the exact time that will, in the end glorify Him.

Lonely dreams

I have been non-stop at my computer. I have wondered what in the world I am looking for, waiting for, staring at. I can't understand my need to see every Facebook post that comes up and each email that appears at my inbox. It's not like me and it's disturbing me a bit. I told a friend today that I felt like the 6 year old younger sibling that hates to go to bed before all the other kids because she's sure she is missing out on something fun.

I figured out, tonight, what my "issue" is. I am waiting for DTC. Dossier To China is one of the "biggies" in adoption lingo. It means our dossier (set of papers that the Chinese care about regarding our adopting one of their girls) is on it's way and will arrive soon. That leads to the organization that is in charge of all things "adoption", the CCCWA, to then send an email or something digital to our agency giving them the date it arrived in their hands. THAT, my friends, is called LID (the Lock In Date). THAT is huge because that gives the agency permission to then present us with who they think would be the princess that God has chosen for our family. Our Elli.

Now, I know that we are going to hear the terms DTC and LID sometime within the next 2 - 3 weeks and I am unsettled and fidgety. I don't want to be but I am and so I am just accepting it and trying to live with it. I have been stalking blogs of other adoptees looking at their timelines like the one you see to the right of this post. Each blog's timeline tells it own story of swiftness or hesitation, miraculous movement or sedentary stagnation, none of which is explainable both of which lead to the feet of Christ for those who trust Him, either with tears of thankfulness or tears of petition. One way or another, as I have said often enough to cause eye-rolls: God is gonna do what God is gonna do.

I found a blog I'd not seen before called Ladybugs and Elephants. All I wanted to do was to check out her timeline and compare it to mine just to get some kind of encouragement. Every seasoned adoptive mom will be shaking her head right now at the foolishness of doing such a thing but I am desperate for some kind of "sign".

What I didn't expect was to read her snippet about her young son running to her room for comfort from a bad dream. She then makes this realization about her little girl Nola who they are waiting to bring home from China:

What happens when she has a bad dream?

And the reality of it hit me.

Nothing.  Nothing happens when she has a bad dream.

There is no one to run to.  

She cannot even get out of her crib to find someone.

There is no one to comfort her.

No one to rub her back.

No one to stroke her hair.

No one to gently kiss her.

No one to softly whisper that she is safe.

No one to tell her she is loved.

No one to stay with her until she falls into a peaceful slumber.

I am suddenly reduced to tears and a feeling of desperation that I've not felt in a long, long time. You see, I am one of those moms who never, and I mean NEVER minded waking up to quiet a frantic baby. I was determined to enable my babies to enjoy what I believe should be the most peaceful and calm time of their day. My babies had very few nightmares and I think it was because I worked very hard to calm them before bed and pray for their calm sleep. I prayed specifically that their dreams would be filled with Jesus and His special messages to them. 

Of course as they have aged, they have had more nightmares. But as they have aged they've had less and less of a need for their mom or dad to comfort them. They've learned how to manage themselves. But Elli, who comforts her? I don't know. I have never had a child that I had no answers for or about. I have a daughter that I do not know anything about except that she was chosen for me, for us, from the beginning of time. I only know that her abandonment was no surprise to God and that He will personally guide Logan (our adoption counselor) to her when she finally gets that permission to present her to us. 

My only hope, my only prayer, is that God Himself comforts her when she has a bad dream. No child deserves to open her eyes in the middle of the night knowing full well there is no one to snatch her up and tuck her in close. No one to pull the cover over them both making her feel secure. No one to sing hymns of love and eternal life in the darkness. No one to whisper promises of always being there to help get her through her hard nights. 

Elli has lonely dreams right now. I am kept from doing anything but petitioning my heavenly Father for grace and compassion on her. But one morning I am going to open my eyes and there, tucked tightly next to me in bed will be a little girl who can barely speak English, having had a bad dream the night before, ran into the room of the woman who she knew could make it all go away. 

Unless, of course, she had wrapped herself around the body of her big sister in her bed. That would be just as OK with me! 

He knows your name...

I sat, Saturday night, watching Kate dance in Kings Daughter. I was staring amazed at how those girls improve year after year and how beautifully they accomplished the dance and techniques that were expected of them, and then, totally unprepared, a group of beautifully clothed "angels" in blue sparkling dresses came out and danced, to a song that is not new but stuck me in a very new way. I caught my breath and began to cry realizing that the words to that song are words that I want Elli to know. Words I wish I could whisper to her right now as I hold her in my arms. I can't though. I can't because I don't know who she is; because I don't have her here in my arms. All I can do is hope and pray that God, through the Holy Spirit will reveal these truths to her tiny, precious heart in a miraculous way as only He can...

Dear Elli,

I pray that one day you will be able to sing this song and know the truth of this deep into the center of your very being.

I have a Maker
He Formed My Heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands


He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call


I have a father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I love you, my child whom I've not yet met. The truth that HE knows you and loves you enables me to move from one day to the next waiting on HIM to reveal you to me and allow me to go and rescue you and bring you home to your forever family.

Mommy

A family portrait of adoption...

There has been a lot on my heart and in my head over the last several months. I have been learning. Basically, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. I hate going into anything of importance blindly or at least I like to be able to talk  my way through a situation. I like to at least appear to know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about.

This is far too important to just sit back and let happen. It's not an issue of trusting the Lord or not. Of course I leave it all in His hands, every night as I lay in bed thinking of her as I drift off into a sleepy fog and every morning as the kids and I pray for Elli. It's a matter of doing MY due diligence. The stuff that is required of ME!

But as I study and read and read and read some more I feel less excited and more nauseous. I'd be bothered by that if I for a minute thought those feelings were unreasonable. Honestly, though, I had those feelings each time I found out I was pregnant with child 2-5. After all, I had a good and totally comfortable thing going and by adding another child to the mix it was, in a way, upsetting the apple cart.

Of course, those feelings came and went because what was I supposed to do to change it? Absolutely nothing. It was gonna be the way it was gonna be and I soon stopped seeing the change as a disruption and more as an adventure.

This time is very different and although it's scary different in a way, it's also good different. There have been a lot of serious, prayer-provoking, decisions that have been made between the Gman and myself. There have been very thought-provoking discussions between the kids and myself. What I have seen has delighted my mother's heart. Everyone has realized there is a precious little girl out there who desperately needs and deserves a home and a family who loves her. They are more than willing to put aside their comfort and what they know to be stability in order to bring Elli home. We pray for her every day. We pray for her care takers. She already has a place in our hearts, we just need to place her in our home. What I am seeing is that my kids are learning that putting aside what they know as comfort and security is worth it when it comes to the comfort and security of another who's never, ever known it before.

I have a friend who is about 2 months behind us on this journey. We became friends through this experience and are equally as nervous, excited, and totally nuts. We laugh about how "crazy" we are to be doing this and convince each other that there is good crazy and bad crazy and we are totally good crazy. But crazy we are none-the-less.

I just sent the last bit of paperwork necessary to get our dossier out of the country and into the hands of Chinese officials who will determine when we will meet our little one via pictures and a file and ultimately when we will hold her for the first time. I have been called a control freak in the past but I really don't think I am one. However, I will admit I have a love-hate relationship with someone over on the other side of the world having such a huge impact on our lives. I hate it because it's in their hands, I love it because ultimately it's really in God's hands and I so adore watching Him do totally bizarre stuff. So now, I am gonna practice my total and complete trust in Him (after all you never improve if you don't get harder and harder stuff to practice on) and wait patiently for my official DTC date and LID date and eventually the file and picture of my princess.

No, I am not really excited. I am a lot of things, emotionally, but excited is not one of them. There are too many other feelings crowding out excitement. But I can tell you, when I see the picture of Elli, all those other emotions will fall by the wayside and yes, excitement and joy and love and awe will replace them all.

I am amazed at the families who do this more than once. I find it very difficult and possibly it's an age thing. I do believe that it must be done more often and I hope and pray that this adventure of ours will lead our own children to search their hearts as well when it comes time for them to begin their families. I hope and pray that Elli will be the beginning of a long line of adopted Farharts. That the beauty of our adoption through Christ will be forever pictured in the Farhart family for generations to come.

Am I expecting too much?

I read this yesterday. It was an excellent blog post and made me think.

A Lot.

I am thinking mostly about what our expectations are of Elli and how little effort I expect from her regarding those. I forget that we are taking a little girl whose knowledge about the world outside her orphanage, foster home, or town let alone other people and asking her to fall in love with us and everything about us in a few short days... OK, we'll give her a couple of weeks.

REALLY? REALLY?

This is "Abigail"
She has a family that will
get her sometime this year

How is that humanly possible? To be honest, that takes a tremendous amount of trust. How do you trust people you don't even know? What if her idea of family, sisters, brothers, mamas, daddies, etc is very different from what her reality becomes? What if she has no idea what to think and just sits stoically by while we try to get her to jump up and down with glee at the thought that now SHE has US... YAY for her!

And I watch our adoption account dwindle and wonder how in the world we are gonna fund this whole thing.

I am expecting - REALLY EXPECTING - a little girl to be just gloriously in love with every aspect of her new life and completely trust us to provide everything that is good and right and necessary and wonderful for her and I can't even trust the Creator of the Universe, the owner of cattle on a thousand hills (Ps 50:10). Well, I say I do, I really try to, I so completely want to. There are days, fewer and fewer, that I sort of don't.

It's not that I don't trust HIM. I know He can do anything He wants. It's just that I don't think I am worth his effort. Really that is what it boils down to. I have read about His work, I have heard about His work. I have even SEEN His work. But when it comes to little ol' me...

And yet, what did I say I wanted Elli to know, to trust, to be convinced of?  I said I wanted her to stand firm on the fact that...

This is "Logan"
She has a family too.
they will get her soon

"she is worthy of belonging, she is worthy of  a last name, and she is worthy of forever"

I meant every bit of that. I am adamant about that.

And yet, why don't I feel that way about God's love for me? To be honest it's because I am not worthy. I am well aware of that truth. HOWEVER, I am WORTH IT. See, I know that Christ's blood covers me. That when God looks upon me He sees his perfect Son and THAT makes me WORTH His energy, His effort, His supernatural work. He created both Elli and I. He was clear that He wants us to do what He wants us to do. We have no doubt that we are in His will - this, we are sure - is a no-brainer.

I have no other conclusion to make than if I expect Elli to fully trust us, I must fully trust HIM. I am not a fool though. I know that there is reality to face and that one little Chinese orphan cannot fully trust anyone. Most of those precious children have no reason to trust, no experience in that behavior.

I, on the other hand, have no excuses. Oh, yes, He knows I am a failure so many times and loves me anyway but I am still expected to go with what I KNOW. I KNOW HIM. He will provide. I will REST in the knowledge that His will is what it is and He will accomplish it.

Thank God!

What I want her to know...

This was originally written days ago, BEFORE, I got the email from our homestudy agency that they had Fed Ex'd everything out. Needless-to-say, I'm a bit happier today, but the following is no less true and important to this mama's heart...

We are still waiting. I assumed (I know... don't lecture) I would be holding my finished homestudy in my hot little hands right now knowing that my I800a application would be in Dallas or at least on it's way there by now. Of course not, why? I haven't a clue but it's not in my hands and never has been and I am just going to have to be at peace with that.

I waver back and forth several times a day talking myself in and out of being frustrated, hurried, impatient, angry, and then, in the end, I let it go and get on with my life at least for another couple of hours.

Most evenings I am found on my computer reading posts on numerous Yahoo China adoption sites. I've learned so much and met so many people that I am thankful that I have been forced onto those sites by an overpowering need to feel close to a daughter I haven't met yet.

I've made my own red thread bracelet that I have chosen to wear 24/7 until I walk through the door here in Madison, MS with Elli. I have realized that choosing to adopt - REALLY choosing to do that  - choosing with the knowledge that you really didn't chose at all,  you were called and you have submitted - does all kinds of things to your heart and your head and even someone who is sensitive to the issue but hasn't been "called" themselves doesn't fully get it. Those who think adoption is only for the infertile never will so it's not even worth trying. I have learned that leads to tears... of frustration and even anger.

This, my friends, is a heady business. In both a positive and negative way it is so. It is also "all consuming" and depending on whether the day is negative or positive regarding the adoption every aspect of that day is either negative or positive. I have to stop living like that - it's too hard on me and much too hard on the other precious gifts that live here. So I am working very hard to not allow my day to rise or fall based on the email I get from someone involved with my adoption agency or homestudy.

Of course, I am perusing, as I usually do before bed, the Yahoo sites I so regularly frequent. Tonight, while reading some posts others have so graciously shared I was intrigued by the comment one woman made in her post. She was trying to explain why those who are adopting children that have been in the same foster home for years shouldn't feel horrible about taking their child away from their foster family. A family that everyone knows is temporary and can end at a moment's notice.

It was an "a-ha" moment for me. It was the explanation that I needed to plainly but lovingly share with all those who look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I'm adopting (at 49 no less and already with 4 bio children) and then I add the 35,000 dollar "cherry" on top.

"You are worthy of belonging, you are worthy of a last name, you are worthy of forever."





I thought to myself...

 "That is not only the response I want to give to others as to why we are doing what we are doing but it is also the response that I want to give to her.

 It is the truth that I want her to know, to grasp, to stand upon.

It is the truth that brings me to tears every time I read it because I know that, whoever she is, wherever she is, she has no assurance of any of it. How long will she have to live with us before she's assured of it?

I used to wonder when I was pregnant how I could love a little peanut that swam around in my belly so much that I haven't even held. Today I wonder how I can cry tears of despair, hurt, concern, tears of a mama who is desperate to save her child from fear and uncertainty... and I don't even know WHO my child is.

 The ONLY explanation is that the same God who made my heart put my desire for her in it. She's not here, my heart knows she should be, so I am left with a gaping hole that cannot be filled soon enough. It's an experience I could not have understood in any way unless I had been sent on this journey. Unlike many other experiences, words cannot adequately describe this confusing mess of emotions.

It's a mystery. Much like the mystery that surrounds that sacrifice of Christ. It's not surprising then that as Children of God we are considered adopted. I pray that as Elli grows in knowledge and ability to intellectually assess her circumstances past, present, and future, she will also be able to understand that she has a unique ability to grasp exactly what our adoption into the family of God means. I also pray that she will be able to articulate to her brothers and sisters how incredibly special it is to be chosen.

I am taking off the happy face...

So, seriously, I will HAVE to be honest and tell you the smile is wiped off my face and the look of frustration and "perturbation" (yes that is a word and Kate and I found it yesterday and we giggled for quite a while never knowing that I'd actually use it legitimately today).  I had wanted ALL our paperwork to be completed and our Social Worker to be done with her part of our Homestudy before the last week in February when MJF and I left for a little respite in NC.

Our Social Worker let us down... and still here we are creeping closer to the middle of March and we have yet to see her write up. Don't get me wrong. I really like her. She is kind and sweet and really takes a personal interest in her cases but she is behind MY timetable and that is frustrating to me.

We left for NC feeling pretty good though because we thought we had it all together and at least had finished up our paperwork responsibilities. HOWEVER, while sitting happily in a quiet restaurant waiting for lunch I received an email notification on my phone (why do we think it's a good idea to have those with us 24/7?). It was our Agency counselor listing a number - a large number - of items she still needs from us. UGHGHGHGHGGGGHHHHH! No, I didn't just scream that out in the restaurant, actually I came very close to just crying... yes, just putting my head on the table and crying that cry that shakes your whole body.

I really thought I was going to rise above every other human being that takes this kind of step to adopt a precious child from across the globe. I thought I was going to have so much on my plate that I would be grateful for all the time it takes to complete this process and manage emotionally where others have failed. Yes, I would be the overcomer and keep my head on straight and not get all freaked out because of the enormous amount of time it takes for one family to adopt an orphan from across the world.

I WAS WRONG...

I am totally and completely immersed in this process. I catch myself being upset because people don't behave as if we are the only ones adopting in the whole world. I found out the other day that CJIS - the FBI office in Clarksburg, WV where MJF used to work and where ALL the fingerprints of any importance from all over the world go receive 2500 requests EACH DAY just from adoptive families. I wanted to cry because I knew from experience that adoptive families don't come before terrorists or bank robbers or murders or potential government officials. And I know from experience that I should not expect to come before them. The safety of our nation, of our world, needs to supersede any of us adopting children. So we wait, for a long, long time. For one or two people to process what has been piling up in boxes in the hallway (as I imagine it).

Of course, I am not the only one being handled by my Social Worker, by the Homestudy coordinator in Tupelo, or even by my agency counselor. I have had to come to terms with that emotionally - I've always known that intellectually.

Just as intellectually I've known God's running this adoption show, it's time I allow Him to do it emotionally as well.

Not knowing WHO my Elli Hope is is probably half my battle. Not until China says that they have our dossier will we be eligible to see who they have for us. At this point, I am not sure our dossier will be to China before June and that is enough to make me want to cry.

Since I am not a cry-er I just feel my stomach become knotted and imagine what my blood pressure is rising to and try to remember what I know to be true.

God's got this. He's got it in such a powerful way that I can't even grasp it. He knows exactly who Elizabeth Hope Farhart is and He's known from the beginning of time that she was going to be our daughter. HE IS the Red Thread that links her to us and us to her and when HE is ready HE will introduce us to her. It's our job, MY job, to just "chillax" (as #3 son would say) and live life, fill out a few forms, sign a few papers, and paint a few bedrooms. One day that email will come with a picture of my Elli Hope and before we know it we will be on a plane to China. I have lived long enough to realize the truth behind that.

And...

As everyone who has gone before me has told me...

It is ALL so worth it.

Oh, and PS.... Please please periodically look at the post that I've listed items I am making for our fundraising. This whole endeavor is a $35,000.00 adventure and every 20, 40, or 60 bucks makes more of a difference than you know. I am hoping to be able to create a separate section on this blog to post only those items that I've made but for right now I don't know how and I need to post them w/in a blog post. Thanks.