A letter to my daughter half a world away

Dear Elli,

I miss you. I don't know how that is possible but God did something in my heart when He confirmed His desire to find you and bring you home to the family He created you to be with. There is so much happening here at home, Kate and Josh to camps, Sam getting ready to leave for college, Drew trying to come home for a visit but getting stalled at every turn. I am trying to rearrange the house for you. Creating a space that is just yours. Creating a space that screams THIS IS MY HOME... FOREVER!

I am tired of waiting for you. I hate that I know you are somewhere out there and have no idea that there is a mommy and daddy and brothers and a sister who are DYING for you to be revealed to us. There is a whole body of believers who have worked hard to help us bring you home. We are all tired of waiting. Yet, God wants us to wait. He wants us to trust Him perfectly. He wants us not to be impatient, or to shed tears, or to feel stressed because we have to wait. He wants us to rest completely in Him knowing He holds you in his loving arms and will give you to us when HE decides it's the right time. I am so thankful for His control, for His Holy Spirit that speaks to me daily to calm my spirit and enable me to set my mind on the things above.

So, although I am tired of waiting, I will continue to wait. I will continue to wait as long as it takes because you are WORTH waiting for. I love you with all my heart, only God could create that kind of love in a mother who has yet to even meet her daughter.

Soon we will be together and we will delight in each other. I cannot wait... but I will.

I love you desperately,
Mommy


I waited patiently for the Lord, He turned to me and heard my cry. Ps 40:1

Am I expecting too much?

I read this yesterday. It was an excellent blog post and made me think.

A Lot.

I am thinking mostly about what our expectations are of Elli and how little effort I expect from her regarding those. I forget that we are taking a little girl whose knowledge about the world outside her orphanage, foster home, or town let alone other people and asking her to fall in love with us and everything about us in a few short days... OK, we'll give her a couple of weeks.

REALLY? REALLY?

This is "Abigail"
She has a family that will
get her sometime this year

How is that humanly possible? To be honest, that takes a tremendous amount of trust. How do you trust people you don't even know? What if her idea of family, sisters, brothers, mamas, daddies, etc is very different from what her reality becomes? What if she has no idea what to think and just sits stoically by while we try to get her to jump up and down with glee at the thought that now SHE has US... YAY for her!

And I watch our adoption account dwindle and wonder how in the world we are gonna fund this whole thing.

I am expecting - REALLY EXPECTING - a little girl to be just gloriously in love with every aspect of her new life and completely trust us to provide everything that is good and right and necessary and wonderful for her and I can't even trust the Creator of the Universe, the owner of cattle on a thousand hills (Ps 50:10). Well, I say I do, I really try to, I so completely want to. There are days, fewer and fewer, that I sort of don't.

It's not that I don't trust HIM. I know He can do anything He wants. It's just that I don't think I am worth his effort. Really that is what it boils down to. I have read about His work, I have heard about His work. I have even SEEN His work. But when it comes to little ol' me...

And yet, what did I say I wanted Elli to know, to trust, to be convinced of?  I said I wanted her to stand firm on the fact that...

This is "Logan"
She has a family too.
they will get her soon

"she is worthy of belonging, she is worthy of  a last name, and she is worthy of forever"

I meant every bit of that. I am adamant about that.

And yet, why don't I feel that way about God's love for me? To be honest it's because I am not worthy. I am well aware of that truth. HOWEVER, I am WORTH IT. See, I know that Christ's blood covers me. That when God looks upon me He sees his perfect Son and THAT makes me WORTH His energy, His effort, His supernatural work. He created both Elli and I. He was clear that He wants us to do what He wants us to do. We have no doubt that we are in His will - this, we are sure - is a no-brainer.

I have no other conclusion to make than if I expect Elli to fully trust us, I must fully trust HIM. I am not a fool though. I know that there is reality to face and that one little Chinese orphan cannot fully trust anyone. Most of those precious children have no reason to trust, no experience in that behavior.

I, on the other hand, have no excuses. Oh, yes, He knows I am a failure so many times and loves me anyway but I am still expected to go with what I KNOW. I KNOW HIM. He will provide. I will REST in the knowledge that His will is what it is and He will accomplish it.

Thank God!