The end of the beginning

We woke up early on the morning of the 7th of January. I woke up earlier than the rest mostly because I barely slept. It's not that I wasn't exhausted but what was about to happen loomed over me like a dark cloud. I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to pinch myself and awaken from this dream that was just too much for me to continue. When I opened my eyes I was staring at a ceiling that I didn't recognize and realized that it wasn't a dream at all. We were in China and we were only hours away from meeting our daughter. A daughter raised for almost 6 years by other women in a country with a vastly different culture. 

I escaped to the bathroom to find out the time and switched on the TV. Yes, our bathroom has a TV set (but I'd trade it for an actual mattress on our bed and heat in our room). To my surprise it was 3am and the Cotton Bowl was on. Seeing American football gave me a little lift as our failure to secure a hotel with WiFi above the second floor and a less than stellar VPN had me borderline frantic. The anxiety that welled up inside of me when Michael told me of the most epic fail of all, our lack of ability to communicate with our precious friends and family back home, was yet another shock. I never expected to feel so desperate about making contact in one way or another. At 2 bucks a minute though, I wasn't desperate enough to pick up our phone. 

As I climbed into bed I realized that I was not the only one awake at that time. Michael and I talked about a few things, rolled over, and tried to get a few more hours of sleep. I didn't have the heart to burden him with my doubts and fears. After all he had none... Seriously, he had absolutely none. In many ways his lack of doubts and fears made me feel better. I trusted the Lord on this and trusted him to trust Him to and to lead us in the security and rest of that trust. 

At 8:30 we met Lydia and began yet another death-defying attempt at pulling out into the traffic. New to us was the increase in people going to and fro since we had arrived on a weekend and now we were meeting the end of rush-hour. I made the mistake of glancing out of the window when our driver was crossing 4 lanes of traffic to make a left turn... He just pulled out into each lane and forced each driver coming toward us to choose between hitting us or stopping. I was thankful they all chose to stop since I would have been the victim each time. 

As we walked into the government building Michael asked her what bldg. it was. Lydia explained it was the Communist gov't headquarters there. Anyone my age or older will relate to the desire I had to stop in my tracks. What the word Communist does to the soul of a 50 year old is far different than what it does to a 30 year old. I was pleasantly surprised to see two smiling guards at the sign in desk greet us in their best English. It was a nice diversion from the pestering feeling of nausea that overwhelmed me. That feeling increased as we stepped into a small conference room stuffed with the longest table that I've ever seen. They could have seated 30 people at that table. I'm not sure 30 people would have fit in that room. 

We sat down at the table while Josh and Kate took a seat in chairs against the wall. A very young Chinese girl entered the room with a stack of papers and Lydia introduced her as the woman who ran the adoption program for the government there in Haikou. She smiled, shook our hands and proceeded to ask for documents. We soon realized that there is no grace in filling out Chinese government paperwork. It is all done in pen and there is no white out scratch outs accepted. If you make an error you begin the paperwork all over again. Although I would have preferred for Michael to fill it out an alleviate my already stressed mind, the woman explained to Lydia that his printing was just too illegible... The pen was handed to me and i began to fill in the boxes as I was told. Suddenly the door opened and this very pleasant but heavy-hearted woman came in with the most beautiful, itty-bitty child I've ever seen. She looked right at Michael and pointed and yelled "baba"! She then looked at me and yelled"Mama".  Of course Michael's arms seemed to supernaturally stretch far beyond human capacity as he scooped up this beautiful little girl who suddenly became our daughter. Her joy was overwhelming as she was introduced to her "gege" Josh and "jiejie" Kate. Out came the suckers as we had to turn our attention back to the paperwork. 

Nothing of this day proceeded as I had imagined nor was it in any way similar to the experiences others have written about. I thought it cruel to force us to care at all about the paperwork so precious to the Chinese gov't when we had endured pure torture to get to this point. The choice was not ours and a full hour later we had said goodbye to the head nanny who had carried Elli to us and were on our way, little one in hand, to grab some lunch and hit a grocery store. Along the way we found a little Chuck-E-Cheese type amusement park outside (everything is outside) where we paid a stupid amount of money for Elli alone to play... For all of 15 minutes. 

Then it was back to the hotel to get to know each other better. What that would mean, I had no clue.

The middle of the beginning

  We went looking for a place to eat in the airport in GZ (Guangzhou). Shockingly, the sight of a McDonalds had Kate almost in tears. She HAD to have a cheeseburger and I desperately wanted a caramel mocha. She was able to have her burger, I've still yet to enjoy the mocha I've come to depend on to get through my day. I did have a chance at something similar about an hour after dinner when we began to realize that the airport in GZ is not heated. I knew they didn't heat their orphanages but it never dawned on me that heat was a luxury below their version of the Mason-Dixon. 

I would later discover that it's only a luxury to the people. It's not an expensive commodity they just don't feel the need to bother paying for it. For those businesses and residents who want heat they get an "all or nothing" amount. The government is the thermostat so many Chinese actually spend much of their winter with their windows open. The more I learn about how the government works the more curious I am. 

Once we finished our hot drinks, including my ten dollar unsweetened caramel mocha, we began to walk toward our gate having less than an hour of our four hour layover left before we were to board our plane to Haikou, Hainan Province. The more we walked the more we realized it was really, really cold. Then the worst news ever stared us in the face as we looked at the large departure board... Our flight had been delayed by hours... Yes HOURS. We had been flying and waiting for more than a day's worth of hours and on the last leg of our trip we were grossly delayed. Why, you ask? Because there was some form of plane trouble at some distant airport which set it back by hours. There was no suggestion of replacing the plane, just waiting until it was repaired and arrived at the gate. Our layover immediately went from 4 hours to 6 hours and then finally to 7 hours. As the sun began to set the airport, with all its double pained windows became colder and colder.  We tried to find solace in Venti-sized hot tea and hot chocolate from a surprise find, Starbucks... But that was only going to warm us up for a short while and we couldn't spend all our money on hot drinks while we waited to board our flight. It soon became clear to me that I was going to die there. There was nothing available to warm Kate and I up enough. It was over an hour into my shivering that it dawned on me that the seats were all metal under the very thinly padded vinyl cushion. Standing up would actually keep us warmer. 

Of course I did not die there and we eventually boarded our plane for Haikou where a very pleasant Mrs. Hu met us at the airport. She told us her American name (which many Chinese have) was Lydia. She led us out to where our smiling driver Si Fu (sure foo) loaded our bags and we began our death-defying drive to our hotel. I learned very quickly that looking out the window while we rode around the city would not be in my best interest. I mastered the art of pure ignorance while in the van every time we rode. I did learn to trust him completely and to realize that what I saw as a life threatening lane change was actually just a minor inconvenience that Si Fu managed with just a blow of his horn. A three lane road became 5 lanes when drivers felt the urge and pedestrians and scooterists (of which there were thousands) would have to find their way whenever it appeared the most safe. Traffic lights are rare and laws are almost never enforced. It's very much an "every man for himself"  mentality on the road and it's pretty much that way for most all Chinese. In many ways I understand that for the average Joe but it is much the same in many businesses. Our hotel experience here in Haikou has been less than stellar in spite of the prices we have had to pay. 

I was shocked to see the amount of English printed below the Chinese on store fronts, menus, and other public signs. I discovered that to the Chinese English is fashionable. Just as an American would tattoo a Chinese character  onto his/her body even though they have no knowledge of the language. Just because there is English anywhere doesn't mean anyone can speak the language in any way. This includes in our hotel. I cannot understand why the room service menu has each choice in Chinese and English and yet not one of the hotel staff can understand enough English to take our order. Even worse is the impression they leave you that you will receive your order in due time and yet an hour later you find they never even took it and had no intention of cooking it. Thankfully I had been given great advice to carry some Ramen noodles along for the trip for Elli. It was the evening of Gotcha day that we all ate a very late dinner of Ramen noodles. We chose not to try to order from room service again. 

The beginning......

It's been an interesting couple of days. i would never have expected to struggle in the ways I have. I have learned a lot about myself and how I may not be as flexible as I used to be. I hate that about myself. I attribute it to age and that makes me hate it even more.

We had a great flight from Jackson to Atlanta. The international terminal in Atl. was an excellent place to hang out for the four hours we were there. We ate, walked around, hijacked a wheelchair so the two man-children could race around the terminal. It would have been embarrassing but we were waiting to get on a 1 am flight. We were all a little punchy.

The next 14 1/2 hours would show my inability to be the flexible and easy going person I thought I was. That flight was pure torture to me and I looked around at all the other "economy" flyers waiting for someone to start pounding on the window or escape hatch screaming "let me out, let me out". I never saw it happen and knowing how that kind of thing is frowned upon I chose not to be the first to beg so urgently for my escape.

There was a period of time that I honestly thought the rest of my life would be spent on that plane. I was overjoyed to hear the announcement that it was time to begin the plane's descent. All 240 of us filed into the airport near Seoul, S. Korea. It was a great airport and we were excited to meet 3 other adoptive couples on their way to China. We had our first struggle with ordering food ( not to be our last) but learned a bit and struggled through only to realize that we would be fed on the plane to Guangzhou almost immediately.

The flight to Guangzhou was only 3 hours which was no big deal after the previous flight. When we left that flight the other adoptive couples and our family walked through immigration and waited in line to see what our near future would be. It appeared (key word throughout our entire experience) that only one of us would have to rearrange our day for changed or cancelled flights. They were the veteran couple coming to pick up their 3rd and 4th adopted children. They were gracious as their experience told them to be flexible and to go with the flow. We said goodbye as we all travelled to different gates and to different cities. We would see each other again in a week. We would all have so much to share and talk about when we saw each other again.

I will write more as i am able. I am so sorry that I haven't been able to post the way I had envisioned. Another lesson learned is my almost panicked feeling I got when I realized I'd have limited communication with "my people" .

Until next time...

Mrs. Farhart... it's time...

Elizabeth "Elli" Hope Farhart
taken Nov. 2010
NINE MONTHS before I would
ever see her face.

How many times have you spent days, months, or even years preparing for something, putting heart and soul (and even a little blood, sweat, and tears) into something and the big day arrives and you want to run as far away from it as you can to a safe and comfortable place and forget you ever endeavored to do it in the first place?  Probably not many if at all. Most of us work hard for something with the end result being what pushes us on in spite of what the obstacles appear to be along the way. I think, until this experience, I would have answered this question with "never".

Today, well this whole last week or two, has been my first taste of...

"WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE WE DONE?"

I don't expect anyone else who hasn't adopted to understand these feelings because anyone who knows someone who has adopted from anywhere understands the commitment on every level that a person makes when they dive into this ocean of paperwork, gov't intrusion, check writing, fund raising, and for some, family disharmony. 

Elli in Sept. 2012. Celebrating with
her friends at the Orphanage
her adoption.

Why in the world would the day come when it all begins to "happen" and I feel like I want to run and hide?

Thankfully, I have met enough adoptive moms to realize I am not a freak, an insensitive creature, or an idiot... I am totally normal. The changes that are about to happen are monumental and in many ways the tasks are greater and mountains higher than if I were physically pregnant and about to deliver. I find it interesting that when I first considered these feelings I thought "If I were physically pregnant I'd at least know that God was all in it" 

Weird how I forgot that God was/is all up in this as well...  

So, just as I would head off, bag in hand, to the hospital to deliver a new little Farhart, I am off (with a few extra companions) with multiple bags in hand to travel half way around the world to meet my new not as young but still very little Farhart. There's just a whole lot more adventure that goes along with this birth. 

God is no less a part of the change in this family through Elli's adoption than He would be if Elli was born from my body and arrived home as a newborn. I have seen Him work in ways I'd not have seen if we weren't adopting and my faith and awe and commitment and delight are all the better for it. My thrill at watching Him work through my brothers and sisters in Christ has been thrilling and just as Mary tucked thoughts away in her heart as she watched interactions between outsiders and her first born, I have tucked away thoughts, written down thoughts, and snapped photographic thoughts and put them into a special box for Elli. When she gets older, when she hits adolescence (or earlier) and she begins to wonder about how she fits into all of this I will be able to pull out that box and show her how much people loved her. The people that she sits with every Wednesday and Sunday; the people that she plays with throughout the week; the people that she calls her best friends... she will be able to read for herself, see for herself, hear for herself of the love that all these people had for her long before they even knew who she was. That's an amazing reality. I'm excited for the day that the truth of that sinks in for her. 

I love all of you for enabling me to have that moment in time with her one day.  

So yes, it's time, it's time to load up the car, present our tickets, get on an airplane and begin the emotionally exhausting but adventure of a lifetime... and BECAUSE you are praying and petitioning my Lord on my behalf, I know I can do this because it's not ME doing it... It's Christ in me.

Elli on December 23rd, 2012... 15 days before her life and our lives will
forever be changed. 

The End Is Just Another Beginning.

And so it goes... something is coming to an end. Funny... as I thought about this blog post the end of 2012 didn't even enter my mind and yet, as I write about the end of Operation Elli it happens to be the last day of 2012... a year that will live, at least in my mind, in infamy.

The phrase Operation Elli was
first coined by my dear
friend Jessica Blanco. 

I have learned a lot in 2012, more than I ever expected but since I lean on my Lord for guidance and wisdom and direction, I'm not surprised that when I just let go and allow Him to run things He has let me in on far more than I could have ever imagined. That's just how He works. I'm so thankful that He is so much bigger than me or anyone or anything else around me. It's impossible to fully trust in someone or something that's just as big as you are.

Which brings me to the end of "Op Elli" as it's affectionately called around here. It's the end because we leave in almost exactly 72 hours from this writing for the airport here in Jackson, MS. We will then fly to Atlanta to wait for 4 hours to board a flight to Seoul, Korea. Fourteen and a half hours later we will deplane only to wait another 4 hours to board a plane to Guangzhou, China which is I think about a 6 hour flight. Once there, we will wait another 5 hours to fly the less than one hour trip to Haikou, China, the home of Elli's orphanage. All in all, I think the Gman estimated 22 hours flying and 13 hours or so waiting. Every bit of it totally and completely worth it because Elli is worth everything.

My reason for writing is to thank you  - all of you - who did any thing to help bring Elli home. It was an operation that lasted for a year and that included hundreds of people and the result will be an itty bitty 5 yr old girl who knows no one, doesn't have a clue what love is (they do not tell each other they love each other there), and who really is mostly excited about her dog that she is coming to America to see. But to all of us, it doesn't matter because we know what she will discover once here... a forever immediate family and a forever church family. I also believe she will discover a loving and sacrificial heavenly Father who sent His son to not just raise $35,000.00 and take an incredibly long plane flight to rescue her from a hopeless situation but a son who gave up a royal life for a time to come to earth and give his life sacrificially, enduring agony and pain... all for her. THAT is why her middle name is Hope... more than anything, we want her to know the hope that she has in Jesus Christ.

write your name and a verse address
for Elli's adoption box.

So many of you committed to wearing the red "Elli" bracelets we had made up months ago. You have been praying for her consistently and she has stayed on your mind for months. Now, as we begin the process of boarding a plane to bring her home, I have one last request for your bracelet. If you would, after January 7th, 2013 (our Gotcha Day), take off your bracelets, write your name inside and a verse or message to her for her "box". I've made a box for her, a box full of letters and notes, and all kinds of goodies that have been given to us this year as we waited for her. I want her to know exactly what her presence in our lives means and that it's not just us but US... our family in Christ... that have loved her so dearly. If you want to write more, a letter or card just for her for when she's old enough to read it and understand it, then by all means, please do. She spent more than 5 years not understanding or hearing the words "I LOVE YOU" that is not all made up in one or two days, weeks, or even years. How much love will she see when she opens that box and realizes all the days of prayers and sacrifice and love that went into the year we all waited for her?

My posts will have to be small. I'm having a hard time keeping my composure lately. I have waited a long time to hold her in my arms, to promise my love and devotion forever, to see Kate become a big sister... and I have a hard time looking at all of this without seeing God's great "giving" to me (as He did to Job) after his "taking" from me in 1996. The parallels are just too great not to see His hand in it all and I do have such a difficult time not falling apart when I see Him work his redemptive power not just in the lives of people but in the situations that occur in every day life. This past year was such a year of redemption in so many ways. 2011 was very disappointing and sad for me. He is gracious - always - to do a work that we just cannot comprehend if we are willing to wait on Him for it all.

Please keep up with us here - hopefully our VPN will work in China and typing on an Ipad won't be more than I can manage. It may cut down on my long posts which will probably make most of you happy since it's the pictures that we all care about anyway! :)

We will return on the 17th and will most likely be sequestered for several weeks as we seek to build the security and trust with Elli that she needs. We hope to see you all in February.

I came across these pictures which reminded me of all the new things I learned about and new experiences I had in 2012. I have to say, 2012 was an amazing wonderful year personally in the lives of our family. I'm thankful that our lives personally don't have to reflect what we see around us. God is on His Throne regardless of who is in power in any country, state, or city of the world. I am thankful that History is really His Story and we know the end of the story already. May your 2013 be one of seeing HIS handiwork in your lives. Keep your eyes open lest you miss something big. It's the end of 2012 but the beginning of something new, 2013. What's He got in store for you?

This was the day we got our notice that
we were accepted by China to be Elli's
forever family. We officially went from
being a family of 6 to a family of 7. 

After 29 years of marriage we finally had our
marriage license.
We had no idea we never had one. 

Our fundraiser at Sweet
Tree Yogurt for H of C was
 such a success it even shocked
the owner.

One of my favorite ministries
is the youth ministry at our
church. Solid Ground is made
up of a bunch of awesome kids.
They wanted to help bring Elli
home so they designed and sold
these t-shirts and made enough
money to pay for our China Visas.

Our church chose to begin
a new ministry in 2012. Hearts
of Compassion was born from
a desire to help bring children
home to their forever families
regardless of where they come from.

One thing every adoptive family
needs to do is raise money. Very
few families have the money to
pay outright for their adoption.
I decided to make a little business
Many of you were gracious enough to
help bring Elli home through
Kate 'n Elli's
Thank you.

Haikou City, Hainan Province
is where Elli is from. We had never
heard of this city until Elli was
referred to us.

A REAL reality show...

It's all too real to me now.

This is the ribbon we, as a group
chose to identify ourselves

The site where every and all my good
info comes from. Lots of BTDT moms
some going back for the 4th and 5th times.

I've begun to tie the requisite ribbon onto our suitcase handles. This ribbon is what our DTC (dossier to China) group decided we'd use to identify ourselves to each other once we landed in Guangzhou (GZ) so that if any of us were blessed enough to end up there at the same time we'd recognize each other and be able to give real hugs instead of virtual ones. I joined the DTC Spring-Summer group back in May feeling like I'd never be at this point but knowing it would happen in a blink of an eye.

A little "happy" for Asa, a 2 1//2 yr old
son of a new friend who will come home from
Elli's orphanage in February.

Add to her clothes, gift bags for all the gifts
that we give to all the people that have
in any way aided in our adoption process

I had, weeks ago, with Kate, laid out the clothing I was going to take for Elli. Then I changed my mind, and changed is again. I have decided that it's time to just pack it up and be happy with what I've chosen. There are only so many hours in a day to obsess over clothing and especially over clothing of a 5 year old who probably wore many of the same outfits over and over again and none of which were ever hers to possess to begin with. She will be delighted with any of it and all of it. There are only a few toys in the suitcase because they have Walmart and other stores there where we will take her to pick out a few things on her own. After all, she may never have had a chance to pick out anything for herself... EVER!

Of course she has a "Bama" shirt... the National Championships
will be played while we are over there... at 8:30 in the morning! :)

Rx and OTC... now to break them all down
into suitcase ready samples.

I have to gather together a list of medicines we need to take as well. The most important being Ambien and Melatonin. We would appreciate as much sleep as is pharmacologically possible. There are other important meds to take and thankfully we have a wonderful doctor committed to making sure we have everything we need.

There's also the trip to the bank to get the money we need in brand new crisp bills. Yes, they need to be new and crisp without writing or creases...  this is a big deal. We want to make sure they take our money.

One of many that will be taken to
alleviate the pain and boredom
of hours and hours and hours on a
plane or in an airport.

Then there is the corralling of the electronic devices. They are being summoned from near and far. When the speculation becomes fact - that we will fly out of Jackson, MS at 5pm on the 3rd and arrive in Haikou City (Elli's province city) at 5pm on the 5th even a cheapskate like the Gman will begin to consider what other electronic devices might need to be purchased to ease the hours of sitting on and off airplanes. Our flight from Atlanta, GA to Seoul, Korea alone will be 14.5 hours. I figured we'd spend between 12 and 15 hours just in layovers... hmmmm maybe adding a bit more to our debt load doesn't sound so bad. Or, better yet, promising that whatever else we get can be birthday, valentines, mother's day, anniversary... for the next 2 years...

The little blue present is Elli's
from Aunt Sandy. Can't wait
til she opens it.

We have to have this little guy
taken care of for two weeks.

Of course there are a lot of other aspects to planning for this trip. Like taking down all the Christmas decor. Sure, with us leaving on the third of January we could get away with leaving it all up but I really don't want to return, exhausted, on the 17th and face the reality of having to put it all away. So, my usual December 26th and 27th pack up will commence shortly. Something I'm not looking forward to. My mom is usually here to help me pack up. She and my stepdad Don usually fly in on Christmas day and fly out on New Year's day or the day after. This year, they chose to stay in Ohio with my brother. His wife is dying of ovarian cancer, she's only 43. She's on Hospice care right now and in a lot of pain. She's virtually bed-ridden and I know her well enough to know that besides the great amount of pain she is in, she is absolutely HATING being stuck in the bed. I love them and I hate that I am so many miles away. I cannot stop in whenever to say hi, to help out, to read to her to talk to her, to take my nephew and niece someplace fun just to get away. I cannot do anything for them, but pray. Praying is big. We have been praying for years. It's been hard for the kids to see God choose not to answer their prayers but this world being what it is, sin being sin, and the fall being the fall... we all have to realize that things are not always going to work out the way we would like. Trusting Him is still what we need to do, no matter what things may look like to us - His lens is a whole lot bigger than ours.

So, I will push on toward a goal that I am completely unfamiliar with; except for one thing, there is a little girl who needs a mama to love her unconditionally and forever and THAT is something I am very familiar with. Please pray for us as we venture forth into unknown wilderness excited to see what God has for us but hesitant in a way because of the unknowns. Trust and Obey, there is no other way... so, so true...

Amazing Love, Amazing Grace... He's all we need and He will give us all that we need to be the mama and papa  and sister and brothers that Elli Hope needs. Here we come sweetheart... it won't be long now.

Here are some fun things that Elli will see when she gets home:

Kate made Elli her own
mosaic "E" hanging above
her lightswitch.

I thought she was too cute
to pass up.

He knew the plans he had for her and for us
long before we had any idea. 

"Hope" in Chinese.
This is something she
never had.

Drew took this picture when Kate was
3, she is in the bottom corner, It's hanging
just above her bed.

I have a feeling she will
put her jewelry hanger to
use.

I made this for her bows.
It appears she will have
quite a lot to choose from

There cannot be too much of this
in our home. I hope to hear a lot
of it.

Kate is graciously sharing EVERYTHING.
Her favorites are Sock Monkeys. 

A gift from a dear friend.

This sweet picture was taken
by a friend from college
when I was pregnant with Drew
over 20 years ago. I have put it
in every child's room ever since.

Waiting patiently for
a playmate.

She has no idea...

  

We are hoping for a lot of these for precious Elli Hope.
We'll be home on January 17th for her first
night in her forever home with her forever family.

My little Chinese Southern Belle.

And here she is... in all her celebratory glory! This is probably her finest hour, in all her 5 1/2 years, the celebration of her adoption. What a glorious day!

Elli is the cute one in front of the cake looking at the camera with pearls around her neck.

It appears she lives in a fantastic orphanage. The walls are beautifully decorated. There are clothes to dress up in. They even know how to dance....

I am thankful that God put our daughter here, in Haikou City, Hainan, China. I can't explain why He didn't allow all of our friend's children to be raised in orphanages like this one. I am assuming a lot just by the way the pictures look. I could be being fooled right now but I don't think so. I cannot wait to meet her and to hold her and to welcome her into our family. I think she's excited about a forever family. But to look at her, she may just be a happy-go-lucky kind of gal and be happy about life in general. That's ok with me. We would love a little "happy-go-lucky" around here. Especially from a little girl who was abandoned at 6 days old.

 She's old enough to have stories to tell. I want to hear them even though I am afraid to in a way. I don't want to hear the scary stories that I have heard from other parents. I don't want to know that she's seen things she shouldn't have, she's heard things that have frightened her, that she's had bad dreams of things that she's imagined. She very well could tell me those stories. Then again, maybe not. Regardless, I will listen, and hold her and help her put it all in perspective. I cannot promise that she will never again have those feelings, or those dreams, or see things that she'd be better off not seeing.  I will reassure her that regardless of all of it, past, present or future, that she will never have to feel or be alone - again - EVER. I cannot wait until the day that she completely processes that truth and allows it to sink into her tiny little body. I want to see her whole self melt into the reality that life for her will never be the same; in a very good way.

She will still have days to play dress up, she will still have days for celebrations with cake and parties with friends but it will be in a totally different context. At the end of the day she will lie down in her own bed that is covered in her own pillows and snuggle with her own stuffed animals, dolls, or big sister. She will close her eyes knowing that in each and every other bedroom in her own house is sleeping her own mama, her own baba (daddy), and her own ge ge (big brother) and if she is really lucky, her own little puppy will be at the foot of her bed too (although he does prefer his mama).

Oh, pretty girl, we will be there in the blink of an eye. Two and a half more mos and you will have a new name. We will party again!